Friday, December 01, 2006

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it err... ICE!

Paula's Birthday Party:
After too many shots and too little sleep last night ("Thank You" Paula for turning 29!), I was disappointed to see less than 12 inches of snow this morning. In fact, 6 inches would have been a fine excuse not to go to my office this morning-- 5 inches would have justified it, and if there had been 4 inches I could have slept tonight knowing that I did the right thing by staying home.

But Noooo... 3 inches of ice, 3 inches of snow, 3 hours of sleep, 3 coats of cat hair on my tongue, and 3 minutes to get in the shower, rush to the office to see 3 patients.

'The "good" news: My beamer was in the garage-- warm, dry and ice-free. The "bad" news: two cars were parked IN MY DRIVEWAY blocking my ride. Shit.

Ever had the urge to "plow" your car through the 2.5 foot buildup of snow the lovely plow-guy left behind? Me too. In fact, now i remember why we don't do that-- it's called getting stuck.

Fuck off, Dave! I know your Hummer would have man-handled it...
You too, Em! The whole physics thing was too fuzzy from my hangover... It SEEMED like I could make it.

My neighbor that I call, "Stretch-Arm-Strong" was shoveling snow last night when we got in from the bar. At 5:00 a.m. he was re-shoveling his driveway when Ella got me up. At 8:00 a.m. he was stuck blocking the street because his car basically sucks in the snow. I call they guy "stretch-arm-strong" because he's always stretching his legs in his driveway getting ready for the next marathon. It can be 20 below out and he'll be in his way-too-short-shorts doing his pathetic stretch routine. Did I mention he's Russian and overly kind? Yeah, he can't just say hi. "Guud afversternoon, Doktor Vilyums! Deed you readah de news boutah deese new muhdeekle treatment fer deesk pan?" (Yeah, whatever.. shut the fuck up and quit that goddam stretching bullhsit.. THERE IS NO FUCKING MARATHON!!)

Being a dad:
I remember a day when a spilled brew meant changing into a clean shirt. I realized yesterday that since Ella was born things have changed a bit. Before we went out last night Paula asked me if I was going to change my shirt... Seems there was a little puke on the left shoulder that had dribbled down to the backside of my elbow. It actually didn't bother me, but Paula said it stunk so I changed.

Being drunk:
Some people are obnoxious, mean drunks. Not me-- I'm a nice drunk. I let friends win at liar's poker. Also, with beer in hand, I offer to help people that are stuck in the snow while we're out driving. Interesting how polite and helpful I am when I'm drunk-- especially when the State Trooper showed up to see what the problem was! Fortunately, I didn't have puke on my shirt and I had left the bottle in the ca.. I mean bar, yeah-- in the bar.

Blogging Fact:
My most hit page is my archived page of Birdman pissing. (And yes, I'm milking for hits!) Just don't visit the Internet Money Machine because it's GOT to be a scam... how can you really make $13,890 from $50?!



Blogger Violet said...

You know, apparently, I was the only person up at 8 a.m. ready to go for our breakfast at Mimi's. Hangover, shangover! (P#ssy!)

11:02 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

Violet... let's talk about why you were up at 8. Maybe because you SLEPT on the way home from the fun, which included getting stuck in a traffic jam for an hour (and missing the whole spectacle of Paula peeing in the middle of I-70)... then were sleep-walking so soundly, you don't even remember being at Dr. Mike and Paula's later.

Yep, I think maybe THAT'S why you were so chipper at 8 am. :)

9:48 AM  
Blogger Violet said...

Or, Dave, it is because you are just old and get hangovers... Which is a stage that I have yet to reach in my life!

9:53 AM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

Oh my, Violet... just wait until you really need sleep...

Just wait.

9:42 AM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

PS - "a stage that I have yet to reach in my life..."

And you HAVE reached the "impromptu, unintentional, narcoleptic-like sleep at the most unusual times" stage? I'm not sure which of us is less normal! ;)

9:45 AM  

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