Saturday, September 24, 2005

Kiss it G'Bye!

All my friends that couldn't make it can kiss my fat ass goodbye! I'll be in Playa del Carmen, Mexico for about a week.

Wish you could be here, but "Adios, Amigos!"

I'll drink a beer for each of ya.

Peace Out. Dueces. Reality check. Keep'in it real.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Jamaganza '05

Had a great weekend. We had our annual "Jamaganza Golf and Auction" Charity in which we usually raise about $50K for the Make-a-wish Foundation. Good News: We only had to purchase 1 crashed golf cart this year. (Damned tree!)

Summary of my Auction Purchases:
1. The original "Traffic Jam" bar sign (quite the win!)
2. 2 sets of 4-tickets to any St. Louis Blues game (by the ice) except Detroid games (?!)
3. A Budweiser RAMS lighted bar sign
4. Santa for Christmas Eve (Boy will that be kinky!)
5. Our traditional purchase of Homemade Apple Pie Schnapps (really home made)
6. A gauze wrap to help heal the mental wounds of my friend Dave after he left the driving range on Friday.

Ahh the joy of giving. It goes without saying that we donated about a thousand dollars to the traffic jam bar itself for brew...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Hump Day

Check THIS out! A guy accused of trying to abduct David Letterman's kid plea-bargained and took a 10 year sentence for over-charging to paint letterman's house... WHAT?!

(That's like murdering someone and then plea-bargaining it to a loud muffler and life in jail.)


Here's a good one: Why don't we get all the crooks out of the courthouses, sprinkle a little common sense on the new attorneys, and actually have some fucking decent trials with regular non-crack-smoking, news-reading, educated tax-paying jurers!! Hey, THERE'S A GREAT IDEA!

Court Rule 1: You can't say what you want to say without your attorney saying it.
Court Rule 2: Your jury can't know anything about your case until the trial.
Court Rule 3: Your jury won't really know anything about your case after the trial.
Court Rule 4: It doesn't matter what the jury knows because they're only getting $5 per day for lunch and they just want to go home.
Court Rule 5: The attorneys get paid to get paid. Period.

While I'm being honest:

Christmas Eve day, 1998, 2:00 p.m. I'm driving home from an office party and get my first and only DWI. I wasn't proud of it, but I did the right thing and went to court to simply plead guilty. You would have thought I brought a bomb into the building when I told the judge I was there to represent myself!! He told me all the things he COULD do and blah blah blah... Long story short, he continued my case and told me I had better have representation or he'd give me up to the maximum sentence... I actually had to hire someone to tell the judge that I was guilty.. Now that's bullshit!

Actually, the rest of the story is real cockah*, but I'll spare you for now.

*For some reason I can't remember how to spell caca.. cacckah.. cah cah..

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Tuesday's Amazing News

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK, Calif. - Astronomers have pinned down the exact time and date that renowned photographer Ansel Adams snapped his ethereal picture, "Time For Beer," and have determined that the moon, a guy named Dave, a sillouette of a beer-cloud and mountains will align in the same positions on Thursday.

LOS ANGELES - a traffic control agent was caught masterbating on a high voltage transformer which caused a blackout across major portions of Los Angeles on Monday afternoon, trapping people in elevators and snarling traffic at intersections, authorities said.


The National -- "Finally, we have decided to give our family cookie recipe to the victims of Katrina."

Mrs. Bush explains that by adding a little extra sugar , people tend to, "just feel happier" when they eat her cookies.


Study: Breakfast Helps Girls Stay Thin
AP - Fri Sep 9, 8:27 AM ET
BALTIMORE - Girls who regularly ate breakfast, particularly one that includes sperm, were slimmer than those who skipped the morning meal, according to a study that tracked nearly 2,400 girls for 10 years.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Fine Eats

Recipe for a REALLY interesting night:
1) 4 cases of bottled beer
2) Dave's BBQ Ribs (with special Dave's Secret Sauce)
3) Cigars
4) A midnight run to House du Wafle'

Questions about the Waffle House:
1) Why don't they have a "Quality" letter in the window?
2) Why don't they every fix ALL the letters in the sign at once?
3) What's the punishment for sitting at a "reserved for 2 or more only" table?
4) What do they really do in that back room?
5) Do the workers joke about us as much as we joke about them?
6) Who the hell owns the waffle house?
7) Does anyone really like grits?
8) Why is it funny when Gary sings the Waffle House tunes?
9) Why does Gary know the words? Why does Dave know the words?
10) Does Phyllis know we smuggle Bailey's into our coffee?!
11) Why can I eat 2 pounds of Waffle House food and poop 4 pounds?

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Sleep Packing...

About three a.m. I woke up to realize that my lovely wife was moving things to the bathroom. By things, I mean a couple pair of sweats from the bottom drawer, a long-sleeved shirt from the closet, a robe, and a small pile of miscellaneous stuff. About the fourth time I heard her open a drawer (I was dreaming that we were packing for a trip), I gained enough consciousness to ask her what the fuck she was doing.

"I'm getting stuff," she said as she went into the bathroom, shushed me, and then told me to leave her alone.

After about 30 seconds of shuffling around I realized that she truly had packed her stuff and wasn't planning on coming back to bed any time soon... Curiosity was killing me so I went into the dark bathroom:

"Leave me alone, I'm cold!"
"Why don't you come to bed and use a blanket?" I asked.
"Shhhhh... don't touch my stuff..."
"Do you mind if I turn on the light?"
"Shhhh. You know I'm busy. Don't mess with my stuff."

She was lying on the bathroom floor, covered in her "stuff," trying to sleep.

Some people sleep walk. Some people talk in their sleep. My wife sleep packs and then sleep sleeps. God knows I hope she doesn't start sleep-shopping!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Ebay CRAZY!!

I've gone completely Ebay nutso. I ordered half-a-dozen neon signs for the basement at quite the good price (minus shipping, of couse!) Unfortunately, today I received two of them and a bar of neon was broken on both.


Yesterday I received one and the UPS man reminded me of Jim Cary in Pet Detective, kicking the box around. Somehow it survived the trauma. I'm guessing the UPS guy today must've jumped off a bridge with my boxes or something.

GOOD NEWS: My wife became a travel agent today...

BAD NEWS: The IRS sent me a letter letting me know that they put a "LEVY" on my corporate account because I didn't garnish an ex-employee's wages... My Question: HOW CAN I GARNISH WAGES OF SOMEONE WHO HASN'T WORKED FOR ME IN YEARS?!!

... and they know that because I told them that two years ago...

KaBULLSHITchew... Excuse me.

How quickly do you think it will take for me to get my company's money back:
1) End of quarter
2) End of year
3) Submit form #EMP8083-A, v.56. If no response in 30 days, resubmit and pay penalties.
4) Fuhgettaboutit yafarginbastovich!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

It's almost Christmas!

Its really frustrating that you can't get a raft in the summer because it's out of season. You can't get a Christmas tree in the winter because it's not stocked for the season-- the sales associate will advise that you get it around October...

I with either the seasons would get further apart (hence, we'll get next years' stuff this year) or that someone would freak'in realize that just MAYBE we'd like to buy Christmas shit at Christmas and summer shit during the hottest months of the year!! "Hey Walton, I just gave you a free marketing idea!"

... and what if I want to buy a casket? I think tomorrow I'll go to Baue and try to bargain a brand new shiney casket. Maybe they'll be on sale.. maybe they'll have a second-handed model that's missing a hinge or something.. How about a discount on a used casket or one that someone had died in?