Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Beer is For Sissys

Possibly the World's Greatest Drink: The SHREK. That's right, it's spelled with capitol letters. Why? Because it tastes great, it goes down smooth, and it'll keep you partying all night long! I just hope all my fellow SHREK'ers are awake with me-- at 4 a.m. The SHREK is in full effect.

Here's the recipe:
Fill one disposable 16 oz cup with ice.
Add UV Blue Vodka to the halfway mark.
Add Red Bull until the cup is full.
Shake, stir, lick, and dance.

The SHREK got it's name for it's color and power. Drink one and you'll know what I mean.

It has become the official DJ Dave's American-Idol-and-House-MD party drink. (BTW, I wish Dave would get off his ass and update his blogger to the new version.)

Labels: , ,

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Gateway Clean Air Program (GCAP)

Yesterday I went to get my plates renewed which everyone knows is an unnecessary hassle. $12 Car inspection: pass. $983 Personal property tax receipts for two years: check, double check. Insurance card: check. $24 GCAP emissions inspection: Fail.

"Fail?! Nobody fucking fails that test. They don't even test anything to fail-- how could I have failed?!"

The "inspector" (aka "Guy-that-got-fired-from-McDonald's-and-couldn't-get-a-job anywhere-else-that-drives-a-piece-of-shit- because-he-can't-afford-a-real-car [see below] therefore-he-grandfathers-through-the-GCAP-test-and-blows-pure-oil-out-his-tailpipe and-kills-more-birds-than-Kenny-with-his-goddam-fumes) said, "Sorry, you're car did not pass. The engine light is on and the computer says it needs work on your torque converter."

me: "Oh, the light. It's intermittant and Plaza Motors said it's a loose gas cap. If I refill the tank the light will go off."

him: "It's not your gas cap. It's your torque converter. (Grunt)"

me: "What's the torque converter have to do with clean air?"

him: "It failed our test. You'll have to get your car fixed and bring it back within 30 days. "

me: "I'll fill it up and it'll pass."

him: "It's not your gas cap. (grunt)" Then he handed me the book. The title was, "My Vehicle Failed-- Now What?!"

me: My emissions are fine, but my car failed. How is that? You mean to tell me that you can sniff out my emissions going 45 mph down a ramp with your little van and some cones, then mail me a GCAP certificate with an envelope for $24, but your computer system here failed me because I have a freaking light on?!"

15 minutes later and a tank full of gas (light turned off)

him: Your car passed. Here's your GCAP certificate.

me: It was my gas cap...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Hodge Podge

All these trees in the neighborhood falling down from the ice.. I went out and shook my tree limbs and most of the ice fell off (down the back of my coat). Ingenious way to save my trees. Now about those power lines...

Last night Dave & Em came by to watch Happy Gilmore! (I give it two thumbs up.) What a great show. Somehow we ended up watching the marionettes do it on "Team America" afterwords. I'd rate it "just over sucks."

American Idol starts Tuesday!! (Bahm bahm buh duhh bahhhhhm!) Okay, so I'm a freak.

That's all I got. Cheers!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Re Organizing

It's probably just a guy-thing, but I'm a creature of habit. A trash can once sat next to the wall by the kitchen wall phone and was moved to the end of the center-bar. It was moved four years ago and I STILL find myself walking to the empty spot to leave trash. I also still open a "utensil drawer" that was once my bachelor knife-and-fork drawer.

Today I want to get my fave White Castle coffee cup out of the cupboard by the coffee pot and I greeted by large plastic cups. (You know, the 24 oz. thick plastic ones that usually sit by a batheroom sink for a month before making it's way to the dishwasher.) As if I entered Paula's game, I searched where the plastic cups used to live and I found the regular drinking glasses. Ah Ha! Running out of things to find, I quickly ran across the kitchen to where the drinking glasses used to live and there were not coffee cups, but colanders. Fucking COLANDERS!! They somehow graduated from a floor level cabinet to a cupboard above the counter! WHERE'S MY MUG?!

There was a time when Ms. Paula decided to clean the garage. I won't go into detail, but I'm still missing two hammers, three screwdrivers, a caulk gun, and a circular saw.

So I'm sitting here drinking from a disposable QT cup that I found in the pantry. Why, pray tell, was there not one, but two disposable QT cups-- cleaned and saved in my pantry? Because my mother-in-law saves them and I have NO IDEA why. I refuse to ask.

Here's what's messed up: You can ask Paula any time where something is and she'll immediately rattle off the location, whether an old location or a new one, without hesitation and then she'll stare at me like I should know her system.

"I moved the plastic cups so they are more convenient for me."


Ever gotten to a friend's house without calling first and catch them do'in it? Here's the studdered excuse I got after ringing the doorbell 3 times:

*Marvin said, "Uh, I was, uh.. just taking a nap and she, uh.. is just getting out of the, uh, shower.. Sorry it took me so long.. I didn't think you'd be here until later..."

Sally said, "Oh.. hi! I was just, uh.. taking a nap and he was, uh.. just getting out of the shower.. Sorry it took so him so long to get the door.."

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Be nice to someone today.


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

My first good deed of 2007

Today I volunteered to help Dr. Jeff finish his fence around his pool. We spent the best part of the day digging the holes, leveling, and placing the 6 foot pieces into place, but we didn't get finished before I had to run to the office for a couple hours.

About 6:30 p.m. I met him back at his house to finish the fence and we realized his measuring wheel was about 8 feet off. In other words, we built a fence in the yard behind him!

We spend a couple hours pulling the cemented poles out so we can do it again this Saturday morning. I reached into my pocket and found these good thoughts:

  • Good thing Jeff didn't pay someone to help him!
  • I'm glad I'm not his neighbor! (12 3-foot deep holes w/cement in them...)
  • I learned a tool NOT to use when measuring lawns.
  • It was nice outside.

I hope everyone got things accomplished today!

- Mike

New Year Resolution

I decided I will try to be nicer to people in 2007. Paula told me that my sinister remarks and crude comments are just plain rude (even though I really don't mean some of them). I'm a people-watcher and one thing people-watchers do is make fun of others. Real fun. And when I make fun of someone, I don't hold back-- I just say whatever I want.. just not to their face. I just enjoy erecting a little fun at the expense of others.

Until now.

Beginning today, I'm going to be very nice to everyone. No more poking fun and no more snide remarks. A very good friend of mine (Dr. Roozbeh Dodhi) used to fill his pocket every single day with "good deeds, good thoughts, and good words." Here are a few examples of what you might hear me say this year:

  • You look great today!
  • Wow! Did you lose 10 pounds?
  • I'm glad I ran into you. I was just thinking how nice it would be to see you!
  • Did you read my mind?! You're awesome.
  • Did you get your hair done or are you having an amazing great hair day?
  • Your eyes are sparkling! Thanks for the cheer!
  • I can't wait to hear more...
  • Wow! You smell great.
  • The whole room brightened up when you walked in! Do it again!
  • I'm glad I'm your friend. It makes my life so much more exciting!
  • I hope one day I have a vocabulary as elegant as yours.
  • Your not just cool, you're classy!

Happy New Year to All! I hope everyone prospers and gets all they dream for in 2007.


- Mike