Wednesday, April 20, 2005

LADIES, STOP YOUR DAMN WHINING!

Okay, men-- we've proven it: Women are babies when it comes to hair removal. How many times have we sympathized (or pretended to sympathize) with our wives / girlfriends (or both)about their pain of hair removal? DO NOT sympathize any longer. Hair-removal-whining is just one pathetic man-guilt ploy by women. It doesn't really hurt.

I can now say that because last night we tested three different types of hair removal-- on my back. Two of the three "treatments" were virtually painless: one has consequences.

The Test
Last night, Bill's garage: 3 beers & two drinks (redbull & vodka). The hair removal treatments were as follows: 1) Wax strips, 2) Hair removal cream, 3) Duct tape

All tests are measured on a scale of 0 (nothing) to 10 (OH, HOLY FUCK!)

Test A- Wax Strips:
Cost index: 4 (a 6-pack)
Complexity: 3 (okay for the general public)
Pain index: 3 (no tears)
Effectiveness: 6
Pros: Quick, relatively painless if done QUICKLY. Reminded me of a bandaid.
Cons: Key word: QUICKLY. Strips were small and double-sided and there were only 17. A single box would not take the hair off my big toe, much less my massive, muscular back. 4 boxes shoots the cost index up to a 10 plus it's a pain in the ass to collect all those little hairy stickers when you're done.

TEST B- Men's Hair Removal Cream:
Cost index: 8 (case o' beer)
Complexity: 7 (wouldn't do this too drunk)
Pain index: 9
Effectiveness: 3 (rots the root or something)
Pros: none
Cons: Stinks, goes on hot and gets hotter. 4-minutes of sheer hell. Messy. Leaves burning sensetivity the next morning. Expensive.

Test C- Duct Tape:
Cost Index: 1 (cheap, even free if you're in Bill's Garage)
Complexity: 1 (even a monkey could use it)
Pain index: 1 (skin instantly went numb)
Effectiveness: 10 (Even lifted small freckles)
Pros: Easy to find, free, rather entertaining, quick, painless hair removal. COMPLETE hair removal.
Cons: none

Verdict:
Duct tape is the #1 choise for painless, complete hair removal.
Wax strips kind of suck and was too expensive for the job not-quite-done.
Hair removal cream should be outlawed.

Next week: Duct Tape, beer, and Bill's bikini line...

2 Comments:

Blogger paula said...

Just a note....I will not participate in the removal of anything that has to do with my brothers bikini line!!

12:04 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

Mike, my favorite hair removal procedure is butane and a cigar lighter. Smells a little funny, but after removing the bandages a few weeks later, NO HAIR!

But I do love adding one more item to my list of things you can do with duck tape.

Paula, Bill's FAMILY. Help with the bikini line. If Mike can do it, certainly you can.

1:37 PM  

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