LADIES, STOP YOUR DAMN WHINING!

Okay, men-- we've proven it: Women are babies when it comes to hair removal. How many times have we sympathized (or pretended to sympathize) with our wives / girlfriends (or both)about their pain of hair removal? DO NOT sympathize any longer. Hair-removal-whining is just one pathetic man-guilt ploy by women. It doesn't really hurt.

I can now say that because last night we tested three different types of hair removal-- on my back. Two of the three "treatments" were virtually painless: one has consequences.

The Test
Last night, Bill's garage: 3 beers & two drinks (redbull & vodka). The hair removal treatments were as follows: 1) Wax strips, 2) Hair removal cream, 3) Duct tape

All tests are measured on a scale of 0 (nothing) to 10 (OH, HOLY FUCK!)

Test A- Wax Strips:
Cost index: 4 (a 6-pack)
Complexity: 3 (okay for the general public)
Pain index: 3 (no tears)
Effectiveness: 6
Pros: Quick, relatively painless if done QUICKLY. Reminded me of a bandaid.
Cons: Key word: QUICKLY. Strips were small and double-sided and there were only 17. A single box would not take the hair off my big toe, much less my massive, muscular back. 4 boxes shoots the cost index up to a 10 plus it's a pain in the ass to collect all those little hairy stickers when you're done.

TEST B- Men's Hair Removal Cream:
Cost index: 8 (case o' beer)
Complexity: 7 (wouldn't do this too drunk)
Pain index: 9
Effectiveness: 3 (rots the root or something)
Pros: none
Cons: Stinks, goes on hot and gets hotter. 4-minutes of sheer hell. Messy. Leaves burning sensetivity the next morning. Expensive.

Test C- Duct Tape:
Cost Index: 1 (cheap, even free if you're in Bill's Garage)
Complexity: 1 (even a monkey could use it)
Pain index: 1 (skin instantly went numb)
Effectiveness: 10 (Even lifted small freckles)
Pros: Easy to find, free, rather entertaining, quick, painless hair removal. COMPLETE hair removal.
Cons: none

Verdict:
Duct tape is the #1 choise for painless, complete hair removal.
Wax strips kind of suck and was too expensive for the job not-quite-done.
Hair removal cream should be outlawed.

Next week: Duct Tape, beer, and Bill's bikini line...

Pope Vote '05

Congratulations, Pope Benedict.

I said, "CONGRATULATIONS!" (leaning forward). I thought the replacement Pope would be a newer model-- someone that hadn't already tapped into their Medicare fund. . .

I'm not Roman Catholic, nor am I plain 'ol everyday Catholic... so I don't really get the whole Pope thing. Here's what I'd have liked to have seen happen differently in PV'05

Things I'd have like to have seen happen differenly with Pope Vote 2005:
1) I'd have liked a Pope Charles (as in Saint Charles) or a Pope named Mike.
2) I think it's time to introduce a new Pope hat (the old one is a bit gaudy).
3) I'd have liked to browse the list of Popelicants (applicants for Pope).
4) I'd like to have heard an audio of the first phone conversation after Pope Vote '05... "Hey, Todd-- you won't believe this shit..."
5) I'd have liked to have seen Pope Campaign commercials.
6) "Forgive Me Fridays" should have been added to the church activity agenda.
7) Liver 'n Onions added to the Lent menu? YESSSSS! (Lucky.)
8) Pope Tyrone? Pope Susan?
9) New "Spring Fashion" Pope-wear
Feel free to add ideas...

"Hey! What happened to Pope JP's ring?!"

5-Words You Can't Say in Public

(the abbreviated version, I can't even type them)

1. N
2. C
3. F
4. P
5. D-S-W

Pitbulls Suck

Today I was to drop off a package at a friends house. The plan was to leave it at the doorstep, but I am not one to follow a plan.

Not wanting to leave valuables on the porch, I decided to ring the doorbell. Half anticipating her absence, I peeked through the stained-glass window and about shat myself when her pitbull bounced off the door with a snarl. Things would have been fine if I had walked away at that point, but she answered the bell and invited me in...

Have you ever met a person who had an ugly, bratty kid and they didn't know it? Well this gal has an ugly, mean dog-- and doesn't know it. The damn thing was biting my leg, growling, and power-crotch-sniffing. Cujo's teeth were so fucking clenched to my thigh that I felt like a fried KFC gizzard at the Downtown "Free" Family Charity Picnic at noon on Saturday.

... then there was the slobber ...

Black slacks and ass-licking dog druel, a combination even a 15-year old single-malt Laphroaig cannot make good.

Moral of my story: Anything that weighs over 200 lbs that can lick it's own ass should be locked in a cage. Period.

Women Don't Know How to Pack

As we near our cruise, I'm reminded that women basically don't know how to pack. We'll be gone only 5 days and Paula has been shopping 11 times for bikini's, dresses, tops, purses, shoes, etc. Ebay and Vicky's Secret no longer ask for internet password access, and the Beamer has a new auto-pilot button to the mall. We've saved 30% by signing for 3 Kohl's cards, and *I* actually even know where the girl's sock department is located. She has consulted with her sister, Jenn, in Wisconson; her cousin, Maddie, in St. Charles; Chris, Diana, Karen, another Karen, and I think even Bill about her cruise wardrobe. Thank Jesus there is no web-wardrobe-consultant...

And then she has the gall to tell me I need to be packed on Tuesday.

"TUESDAY?! Why-in-the-hell would I pack on Tuesday?" Thursday (before we leave) I'll pull out (not necessarily in this order) my duffel-bag and stuff the following:
1) everything on my bathroom sink
2) 6 pairs underwear and t-shirts
3) 5 pairs shorts / swimming trunks
4) 2 button-down casual shirts
5) extra pair of dress socks and sandals

I'll wear slacks, a white shirt and black coat and I'll even donate my extra duffel-space because Paula's stuff won't fit in two peices of luggage...

Ahh, the simplicity of being male. So there you go-- Women simply don't know how to pack!

Tattoo of the day: "What was this guy thinking?"

Some of our HS Clan:

Front (L to R): Mrs & Mr. Bob Fox (and Chase)
Middle: Rosie & Michael Sanchez
Todd & Sabrina Holmes
Back: Laura & Paula Boehm,
Me (Mike) and Paula Williams

Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Pass

Yesterday, one of my high school buddies (name withheld) summed it up in an email he sent:

Who recalls the '7-11 raids' where we would descend upon the unsuspecting convenience store clerks with a plethora of scams all at once. The giant brown station wagon pulls up out front - Todd and Brett hit the sunglass display and each walk out with a pair in their pockets and another pair on their heads, Bob buys a Big Gulp for $.50 with $3.00 worth of candy bars (the ones in the water-proof wrappers) stuffed inside, Steve or Bill would be putting gum or candy in their pants in another aisle - the clerk stands there with a befuddled look on her face as everyone exits quickly and the 'getaway vessel' disappears into the night. "

To appreciate my high school friends, there are a few key facts you need to know:

1) Paul Boehm was our high school valedictorian-- our smartest drunk. His dad owned "the vessel": a 1974-ish ultra-grocery getter brown wagon that we sardined twenty-one almost-live bodies into. (And yes, Dave... that sentence ended in a preposition.) He's wearing the hat on the (facing the photo) right-hand side of my "about me" photo.

2) Todd "Todday" Holmes somehow ended up as my college roomate. He's now a defense attorney. His motto, "Keeping crime in the Streets where it belongs!" I saved his life three times in college by picking his pathetic skull up by his hair to shake the puke out of his larynx. He, too, appears in my "about me" photo-- guess which one? If you guessed 'the one with the coconut bra,' you are correct. That photo, by the way, was our 20 year high-school Luau reunion last September.

3) Michael "Sha-shah" Sanchez: He was our token Mexican that drove the "shah-mobile" red volkswagon. Nicest guy on earth-- and gullable, too! Saved our other friend Bill from the Mexican Border Patrol by yelling, "I am a gringo!" and paying them our $4.85 pocket-change that was left from our trip to the Juarez Cave. (We should have left Bill with in Mexico!)

It's a wonder we survived. We're getting ready for our "Pinchero" reunion in Vegas... updates to come...

My blogger is not blogging!

I haven't been ignoring my blog, I've been TRYING TO GET IT TO POST CORRECTLY. No, I'm technologically challenged! Blogger needs to have a "pic" link instead of going through Hello or Picasa, which rarely work with blogger. Maybe it's just my blogger...

Anyway, I'll be in Rome until Saturday.*








Actually, I will be in O'Fallon, MO... it just seemed like a cool thing to say!