... and now, a word from our sponsor:

 

Stages of My Life

Mindy's Blog reminded me of different names that I have gone by over the past 40 (ish) years...

1) "Mikey"
2) "Bing's Son"
3) "Little Mike" (I have an older step-brother named Mike)
4) "Spike"
5) "Michael"
6) "Dad"
7) "Greg's Dad"
8) "Mister Williams"
9) "Dr. Williams"
10) "Dr. Mike"

... and finally,

11) "Stud Muffin"

I'm Going To Hollywood!!

Who says, "White People Can't Dance?"

BUD LIGHT PRESENTS...

Help me find the caption.

What's the Caption?:

BTW-- Chris, click HERE

Today's "Cliff Notes" News

I've decided to highlight the current events into a 20 second overview:

• Iran opens Nuclear Weapons Plant. [And this is a problem?]
• Bird Flu still a problem. [Mostly in Turkey? How ironic!]
• Sharon "Cher-Rone" is still dim.
• Australia and US donate $50 to clean the air. [Half of which will go to Bill's Garage.]
• Trees produce 10-30% of world's methane. [Fart Trees?]
• Wang Usok owes $30 Million back for fraud research on cloning. [He probably should not have claimed that "he himself" was a clone.]
• Artist chains legs together in desert, loses key [and gets dumb-ass award]
• Don't Spam. They're cracking down. [As if...]
• Bone-Shaped Doggie cell phones available. ["Uhh, is that bitch Fido there?"]
• Organic Pet Healthfood Available [I'm starting to see a pattern]
• Dr. Mike Williams, Chiropractor of the Year-- again.

Satan Spotted in OFallon

Dave or Satan? We'll probably never know...

A Moment of Silence...

Just realized that Steph's page is down.
This makes me sad, so I'll sit for a minute
in silence and hope that it will soon be back...

GET YOU BE-OTCH SELF BACK ONLINE, STEPH!!

Tator Grows Up!

Tator (our little dude inside Paula's belly*) had an important day yesterday. According to The Pregnancy Journal, Tator changed yesterday from an embryo to a fetus.

As my 1st year g. anatomy instructor J.P. Ellis frequently babbled, "Syncytiotrophoblast!"

[On a side note: Rumor has it that J.P. was married twice to students, both of whom received free tuition and then divorced him after graduation. Personally, I'd rather pay the $150,000 tuition but that's just me.]

The earth's smartest man, and God's gift to anatomy never passed his PhD and is still known as plain 'ol J.P.

* No, we don't know if Tator is a girl or boy yet or we'd have a name besides "Tator." Dude was used as an ambisexual reference.

How to tell if I am angry

In my opinion, people tend to get angry too quickly. Driving down the road with a bird out the window for not using a blinker, locking your significant other out because s/he's late, refusing to vote because you don't like "the system"... To these I say Poppycock.

It takes a whole lot more than that to get me mad.

I use premedidated key words or phrases to show my anger. Here is what you'll hear me yell today if I get angry:

"You greasy whore, I hate you!!"
(male or female)

So there you are. Stay on my good side, fucker.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

The phenomenal antibiotic cure of pink-eye with the added "Z-pack" side relief for upper respiratory infection has really cleared my head. Oddly, the last few night, my lovely wife has been poking me in the back, waking me, and stating, "Stop Snoring!"

The first couple times it didn't really bother, me but after three nights of constant waking to her "finger in the back" wrath, I'm becoming a little pissed off.

Last night she continued her nuisant gestures and I was debating with myself how bad would it look if I took an elbow to a pregnant ladies skull. (Score one for Tator-- probably kept our marriage alive.)

So I'm lying there about 3 a.m. wide awake thinking, "My head is clear... no congestion... no sore throat... how can I be snoring?!" Suddenly the silence is broken when Paula goes "HCCKQQNNQKT", wakes up, and pokes me in the rib and yells, "QUIT SNORING!"

Ya Gotta Love Andy Rooney!

You have probably already seen this, but it hits home.

Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black , in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can 't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else And if you don't like my point of view, tough...