Young Innocence

Here are two fabulous pictures taken this summer of my nephew, Kenny (Hurricane Kenny) and my niece Lilly (not really my niece, but I'm "uncle Mike" to her.)

These pictures remind me that everyday is another day to play!

Unbelievable!

Today in the WalMart parking lot there was a Harley with handicapped plates parked up front in the handicapped parking.

My thoughts: Is this a legless motorcycle rider? How can you drive a bike, but not walk? Heart problems? The last thing you should do is ride a cycle!

I need some answers to this one!

Yesterday in a Nutshell

Not feeling creative, here is yesterday's highlights:

Colonel Chad (my personal trainer) kicked my ass at the gym. Stop. I mean, Really kicked my ass. The only good thing is that he kicked my friend Dave's ass also. Here's the skinny: Satan, I mean Col. Chad takes us to complete muscle failure and then he pushes a little more. Shit. It's amazing how much our own body weight weighs when you use it to lose weight. Remember how innocent jumping-jacks used to be? They suck. Running in place sucks. That stupid plastic piece-of-shit step-up thing sucks. Push ups and hopping suck. Cybex and all other wieght equipment suck. My muscles really suck...
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I had a scheduling nightmare in my office with patients yesterday. Why is it that some people can't get the hint that, "I don't wanna hear about your grandmother's poodle that had a tumor!" And why do all the "talkers" come in at the same busy time?! I should have been a psychologist-- or maybe I need to see one...
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Halloween at Norwood Hills update: (That's my house). We've pretty much finished the construction buildout of the basement for this year's haunt. Last night we put the stone walls into place in the entrance to the crematory. Ahh, the crematory-- it's scary as shit. (It's even scary to us, and we built it!) Imagine this- a door rock wall slides open when you get to the bottom of the stairs. You enter the dark hallway lighted only by candles and you are surrounded by stone walls. Following the candles, you end up in front of a long archaic table with a dimly-lit sign that says, "lie down and push this button". When you push the button the table start moving and the fire in the crematory howls as you slowly enter the urn. Once in the urn, you're surrounded by flames, ashes, bones and skulls and your death-bed returns to "the other side." You have died, burned, and gone to hell. That's when the party begins.
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How 'bout Those Cards?!
Game 5: Cards vs. Astros-- top of the 9th. 2 outs. Astros 3, Cards2. The best pitcher in the leage, Lidge, throwing against the best hitter of the league, Pujols. Pujols either hits it and becomes a hero, or strikes out and they tear down Busch Stadium. Pitch one... pitch two... pitch three and **BAM** Not just a pussy hit down the Astros short-left side of their field, but OUT OF THE FREAKING PARK, above the stands of center stadium!!

My brother-in-law, Bill, was pretty damn excited when I told him I've got two tickets to Wednesday's playoff game and one had his name on it! GO CARDS!! Let's show the Asstros how to clench the series!

Are we in America?

I think it's an insult that everytime I go to an ATM I have to first tell it what language I'd like to choose. How about we pretend for a minute that we're in America and we speak freaking English?! Pretty soon we will have ebonics as a choice...

Here's another thing I hate: When someone transposes two numbers on your credit card and says, "Sorry, it's declined." What they should say is, "Sorry, sir.. I'm a dumbass and can't write 16 numbers without fucking them up. I'll try it again."

Here's a cute photo of my wife, Paula and my nephew, Kenny:

Back to the basement to finish another Halloween project...

Saturday (Phriday's) Photo

Go Cards! Hey! Is that Pujols over in the trees?!

Club Fitness

06:40 am
I jumped on the scale yesterday, called DJ Dave and told him he's a ton of lard and we both joined Club Fitness.

Shit. I didn't realize Colonel Chad (the trainer) was going to kick our asses so badly with aerobics. Today, we're meeting at 7:00 p.m. and both Paula and I agree that it's bullshit to get up this early to "work out."

More later...

08:55 am
Today wasn't so bad since Seargent Chad was probably sleeping in from the intense workout he watched us perform yesterday. The morning thing is odd: No sun, no traffic... It's kind of surreal. (Okay, I'm looking for excuses to get up before 8 a.m. and be okay with it.) If everyday was just 20 mins on the cross-trainer life would be pretty easy. The thought of dealing with satan's friend Chad tomorrow gives makes my stomach gurgle...

Oh, and passing up a breakfast-burrito-tots-meal-deal at the Sonic drivethrough on the way to the "club" almost killed me. (How ironic that "drank too much, and stayed up until 4 Dave" showed up with the same type of workout coffee.)

My workout goal: To survive tomorrow.

10 Annoyances

I've decided to vent about 10 new things that I realize annoy me probably way too much.

1) Lists about things, especially top 10 lists.




2) Toilets that need "jiggling." It takes 5 minutes to completely refurbish the mechanical insides of a toilet-- Fix your shit.

4) Signing my life away for Pseudophed, 10 tablets at a time. I asked the pharmacist, "How am I going to run a profitable meth lab if I have to come in here every day for 10 pseuds?"

5) Public Restroom Boogers. What is the infatuation of wiping nose goo above a urinal in a public restroom? What kind of person does this?!

6) Overnight Sink Dishes. Are they going to jump out of the sink and clean themselves?! As a once-has-been bachelor, I can understand leaving a glass by the sink for later use the same day (unless it was for milk or beer). But leaving pots and dishes in the sink overnight is just plain annoying.

7) Looking at a Lazy Eye. (Amblyopia) My uncle Larry has a lazy eye that "floats" when he gets drunk. Unless he wears a tag or something, how am I to know which eye to look at when we're talking? It's damn annoying. (They seem to switch sometimes.)


8) Voice Mail. With caller ID, text messaging, and the technology we have today, don't make me dial in to listen to a message that usually says, "Call me." When I *do* call from caller ID, don't ask me, "Did you get my message?" Here's a good one: "Did you know your messeges are full?!" Uhh, it's been full for about 11 years now...

9) The Macanudo Cigar Tent. Yesterday we (Dave Morris, Gary Stokes, and I) went to the cigar tent to relax on leather in front of the big screen with a stoge. There were several irony's that took place that ensure I will never visit the tent again:

• Dave got kicked out of the cigar tent because smoking was not allowed.
• Of the 100 boxes of "door prize" cigars given away, they gave Gary a ball cap. Everyone else drawn got a box of Macanudos. (His one free Mac stained his hand...)
• The skinny-mini gal helping Macanudo get pics of everyone had a MAJOR case of lip funk that proves once again... Cigar smoking does cause lip cancer. (Whatever picture you have in your head about her lip funk-- THIS WAS WORSE.)

Word Verification, my ass!

I can understand using word verification to eliminate the tribulations associated with computer spamming and unwanted posts, but give me a goddamn break! The whole verification process has gotten dangerously impossible unless you ironically have a computer to translate the freaking encryption! WTF?!

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My 9-year-old nephew had to go to court today for possible assault. According to the police officer, he shot his toy gun (You know, the one that has little plastic/foam-like quarter-sized discs?) at an older kid that reported it to his mother. Pansy-assed older kids mom called the cops and Zach had to talk to the juvie judge today about it. And that's not all... he was found guilty and has to write a one-page paper to pussy-boy apologizing for shooting at him! I have an idea... why don't we let kids be kids, fight with rocks, and grow up to be normal instead of fucking BABIES?!! Good job, Zach-- The bastard deserved it. Next time hit him with an iron rod, skull fuck him AND his mom, and go completely free because the legal system is completely fucking stupid.

"Have it Your Way."

"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce-- hair on your croissantwich won't upset us..."

Check THIS out: We're at the St. Louis airport last friday morning, getting ready to leave for Mexico and stop at the airport Burger King to grab a bite. After I took an overpriced bite, I realized it had egg and everyone knows that I hate eggs. (I don't care if they're scrambled, mixed, sunny-side-up, omelette, fake or fucked... I hate 'em all!) I took off the lid to my 'ssantwich to remove the egg and behold I found my hidden lucky prize:

A FAT, CURLY PIECE OF HAIR!!
"Hey, Antoine... Gimme a breakfast croissant minus the eggs... and don't forget extra fur!"