Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Yahoo Search for Mike Williams

Completely bored, I did a Yahoo picture search on my name... Woo hoo.

Here's something I thought was funny: Last week I text messaged Col. Chad, my weight trainer. I facetiously texted him to tell "Killer Keith" (My wife's trainer) that I'm going to kick his ass for getting her pregnant. He apparently thought I was serious and called yesterday to "talk about it."

As if!

Monday, November 28, 2005

One-Trou Capped on Row Supreme

Apparently, the U.S. will witness it's 1000th person to die on death row since 1977 this week.

My question: IS THAT ALL?! I think more INNOCENT people have been killed by lightening.

Dr. Mike's Death Row Solution:

  • Only 100 people get to set on "death row" at one time-- period. And the reason it's called "death row" is because of just that... An appeal?! What's that. The death row wait should be quick-- less than 30 days so the government can use a credit card to pay for their last damn meal-- without interest.
  • An objective point system should be set up for each crime. (i.e. Murder your family = 1 points each; responsible for an innocent death due to fire = 3 points each; Terrorist activities = 5 points each; Crazy and went on a death spree or decided to cut people up and freeze their parts? Automatic 10 points each.)
  • If your crime was worth 10 points, you automatically bought yourself seat #90. Old #90 goes to #89, etc.
  • The unfortunate bastard in seat #1 gets the chair when anyone else comes to death row. Her only grace is if someone comes to visit with 100 points- then she gets bypassed until the next freak joins the club.
  • There should be a minimum of 1 person off the row per day. People might see this system working and decide not to commit the crime. In this case, we'll just clean up death row in about 3.5 months and only have to pay someone to dust and mop the floors.
  • The criminal should "spin the wheel of death!". Since there are really no rights, who TF cares where it lands. "Eat a bullet", "Guillotine", "Hang the bum" and then incinerate... and flush.

Please let me know why we've only punished 1000 people on death row since 1977!

Man, news spreads...

Driving through the main part of O'Fallon, this caught my eye:

"No More Late Fees... Ever!"

At the Blockbuster checkout (my once-every-6-month movie rental) the dweeb behind the counter tells me, "You have a $1.25 restocking balance."

"For what?!"

"Your last rental... it was returned late."

"What happened to, 'No late fees... Ever!' "?

"It's a restocking charge, not a late fee."

"But it's tacked onto my account because the video was late, right?"


So the moran won. I just with I would have had 125 pennies with me...

PS: Here's Daves pie!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

The Rabbit Died...

Yesterday, my wife Paula showed me her EPT results:

Today, to my surprise, we saw this driving by the church:

I have a funny feeling she'll be giving the day-by-day 411 on her blog! She wants a girl, I want twins...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Thank you, Jesus!

Apparently I forgot to mail in a quarterly payment to the Division of Employment because they felt it was necessary to TAKE IT OUT OF MY ACCOUNT DIRECTLY, without notice.
THEN the damn bank charged me $75 to let them do it! Thank you, Jesus.

Paula made this green pepper and meat dish last week that tasted wonderful, but I'm still burping green peppers. Thank you, Jesus!

I had to take care of this patient that swears he was taken to space by aliens two years ago. He's a huge pain-in-the-ass and always insists on trying to teach me the way HE would do my job. WhenI told him to find someone else that would do it his way... he wanted to stay and discuss his other 23 problems. Thank you, Jesus!

And by the way, you look marvelous today.*

* When I used to go to Sunday School I was told to compliment people and thank Jesus often.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Dumbest Thing I've EVER Seen

We see stupid things every damn day-- in fact, so much that we tend to become immune to it. An example is the 153 year-old, blind, blue-haired lady that pulled out in front of my right-of-way at 2 miles per hour. At first, given that I could read the number on her handicapped tag (hanging in her rear-view) I wrote her stupidity off as "an older lady." But half-a-mile down the road we were still on auto-pilot at 2 mph, I decided she needed to pull out the mold-covered butt-plug and learn to use her walker. Another example I'd have liked to haved (I'd've liked've) ignored was the $4.45 wage earner at Hucks that decided to clean the air filter ABOVE THE COFFEE MACHINES by beating them as they hung from the ceiling.*

Today I found the Darwin Award for Dumb: The inverted Christmas Tree. This isn't a joke, it's taken straight from USA Today... and for $599.00 you can get the pre-lighted version.

* Yes, I went elsewhere to get coffee.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Belated Halloween

This was our Third Annual Halloween Party at Norwood Hills (The Crematory at Norwood Hills). It was the best Halloween party we've thrown to date. Here are the highlights:

1. The invitation was a death certificate with your name on it.

2. The yard was a cemetary:

3. When you entered the house, there was a casket with a dead guy in it for viewing. (Of course with candles, funeral music, flowers, and memorial cards..

4. After the viewing, the funeral continued downstairs in the crematory.

5. You had to lie on the table and push the crematory button to automatically enter the fire.

6. Once having burned, the grim reaper fell from the sky to welcome you to your final resting place.

7. You then walked through the crematory doors, through the gates of hell, and into Hades to finish the night drinking, dancing, cussing, and taking clothes off!

See the rest of the pics on www.drunkfest.org and plan to attend next year!

United Parcel Destroyers

WTF is up with UPS lately? Of 5 neon signs ordered, 3 were destroyed during delivery. My delicate tubes of glass were sodomized by the UPS-guy and I didn't even receive an, "I'm sorry."

Ironically, here is a picture of a REPLACEMENT neon tube box that arrived yesterday via UPS:

My Question: Do they not know what the word FRAGILE or GLASS means? It fucking means DON'T DROP MY SHIT, MAN OR IT MIGHT BREAK!!