Sunday, August 28, 2005

Choose Your Friends Wisely

Dinner, dance, and a little "Hide The One-Fifty-One" made me feel like a high-school kid again.

I like going to dinner with my buddy "DJ Dave" because his wife, Tawnya is a lip-kisser. Think about that and you'll choose your friends wisely. Tawnya is the second hottest girl in the world (second to my wife, Paula) and by default I can kiss her-- on the lips, both "hello" and "goodbye."

...And we like Dave, too-- but I'm not kissing him. Err, unless I lean to one side after heavy brewery-bouncing and blow out a little SBD in his direction!

If you haven't been to the Melting Pot, a somewhat bizarre little restaurant on The Hill where you get to cook your own food, you should go there and ask for a waiter named Luke. Thanks, Luke for the pointers on cooking raw meat in hot, melted cheese. He meant it when he said not to leave a fork in the cheese crock-- "It'll burn you." ("It'll burn your face off when the roof of your mouth is done searing," is really what he meant...)

Here's something funny: (As if...) We stopped on the way home at Brewski's (for guess what?) and there was a cocky supposedly-21-year-old-birthday-punk begging for drinks. Dave and I lined up 4 shots-- three tequila and one Bacardi 151. We waited for Ms. Paula to get back from the ladies room to "do shots" when punk-ass and his friends left the bar (to probably compare penii*).

We three licked salt, shooted tequila, and chewed a lime-- rendering the shot of Bacardi completely lonely. A couple minutes later Paula licked salt, cheered the last shot and said, "What... you don't think I can handle another tequila?!" swallowed, and then chewed a lime.

And then her eyes bulged.

And then she grabbed her throat.

And then she grew hair on her chest. (Insert phrase ITOLDYA-SO here!)

Okay, drink all night and then read that last part again-- It's really quite funny, I promise!

Quick list of other funny things that happened last night:
1) Paula had to pee "real bad"
2) Dave's inherent habit to speed (130+ mph)
3) The cop at the stop-sign laughing at Dave's bellowing song
4) The 1/2 beer we drank at Hook 'N Ladder before we left
5) The Indian lady asking for $1 on the bench (Dave wanted change)

* Yes, that's plural for penis.

Redneck Mansion

Guess the common link to the following:

1. Crystal Meth
2. Cheap loud-ass bass (real cheap and real loud)
3. Trailer (not "modular living", just plain "trailer")
4. "Wigger"
5. Unsupervised kids playing with fire
6. Words that rhyme with "truck", "tunt" , and "tussy"
7. The freaks camping lot #402 at Huzzah Valley
(10 seconds to figure it out)

If you guessed the people that camped next to us this weekend, you are a winner!

At 1 a.m. Sunday morning we gladly packed our stuff and LEFT THE CAMPGROUND to get away from the losers next to us.

Thank God there was a (somewhat) decent hotel in Cuba, Missouri...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Please Call List

The last couple days I've been getting "Private" and "Blocked" phone calls on my cell phone from some sales person at "online prescriptions." Today I decided to see how many sales lists I can get my phone on... you know-- break some records here.

I am publicly announcing my cell phone number and I would appreciate EVERYONE spreading the information across the world. Whenever you sign up for something and it needs a phone... use this one. Whenever you get really P.O.'d and feel like dialing a number just to be annoying... use this number and feed my gluttony.

(636) 240-9141

Call me and cuss me out, taint me, try to sell shit to me... YESSSS! Bring it on, baby!

Come on, sucker.. call me now... pick up the goddam phone and call!!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

"Aliens did it."

Do me a favor and NEVER blame things on aliens-- It pisses me off.

Crop circles.
Animal lines in Peru.
The pyramids.
Unexplained road cracks.
Missing remote controls.
Lost matching socks.
The last kleenix in the box.

Clue: THERE ARE NO ALIENS. THERE ARE NO SPACE SHIPS or ALIEN U.F.O.'s you stupid sonsofbitches!

Oh wait! An alien crawled up my butt and made me say that. [And could you pro-alien geeks please realize that you just MIGHT get a hint credibility if you weren't such freaks? Hire a hot spokes-woman to advertise your campaign or something...]

(btw: tag back Dave)