my loggage

Saturday Night Fun

2009-09-19T21:28:00.001-05:00

Saturday Bonfire @ my bro's house!

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Mall Fun

2009-09-15T19:03:00.001-05:00

Ella's didn't think twice about jumping 2 stories @ the mall!

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2009-09-13T18:33:00.001-05:00

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Please burn out my eyes

2008-12-12T23:21:00.001-06:00

Kareoke in Clearwater...

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Helping others

2008-12-12T09:47:00.001-06:00

Breakfast with dave

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Another successful BNO

2008-11-15T18:33:00.001-06:00

After a night of celebrating Dave becoming a grandfather, Ada becomes a tequila-fermented Boys Night Out casualty. (IHOP OFallon)

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Dave

2008-10-18T14:29:00.001-05:00

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You Gotta Love Charter Phone Service

2008-10-16T10:28:00.003-05:00

Went to make an office call today and Charter Phone Service is down. It's amazing how much we rely on communications to run our businesses. BTW, if you're having back pain email me at drmike@SpinalAid.com !

30% deet!

2008-10-11T17:44:00.001-05:00

There will be no more Mosquitos at Ada's house. Ada found 30% deet. It makes even ME not want to bite me.

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The best coffee

2008-10-05T07:24:00.001-05:00

Why is it that java in a china cup always tastes better than in plastc or environmentally friendly styrofoam?

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Another gorgeous Clearwater day

2008-10-05T06:51:00.001-05:00

I'm wondering why we don't live here. Shit. I just drizzled coffee down the front of my white shirt.

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2008-10-04T07:53:00.001-05:00

This is my coffee spot at the sandpearl resort here in Clearwater. Today is much less hectic than last night. Did I mention I broke my "pinkie" toe last night? Geez. Mikey (the professional toe breaker) will envy me.

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"Dino" mobile?! Notice the horns

2008-10-03T22:34:00.003-05:00

Why would you drive this?

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Audio test of cellspin

2008-10-03T21:55:00.001-05:00

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2008-10-03T21:50:00.001-05:00

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Baby Anna Update

2008-08-04T05:49:00.001-05:00

We're having a baby!!! Please jump to Paula's site to get the updates.

Peace, yo.

New ATT Contract

2008-07-28T18:20:00.003-05:00

My New AT&T Wireless bill arrived today. I figured it would be the same yada yada phone bill information with a bunch of fine print at the end.

I was wrong.

There is no fine print-- it's all large.

Here's an exerpt (page 12 of 17) from the manuscript:

Amen.

MILF, DILF, and BOFE

2008-07-24T08:43:00.003-05:00

While conversing with my friend, Dave at the mall (yes, at the mall!) we stumbled across some popular (and not quite so popular) acronyms:

MILF: Mom I'd like to _ !*
DILF: Daughter I'd like to _ ! (Keep it legal...)
BOFE: "Bofe of dim, I'd like to _ !

* and by __ I meant "find"

McStupid

2008-07-22T08:44:00.003-05:00

Actually, if you work at the McDonald's in O'Fallon, you'll probably not see this blog because YOU GO TO WORK WITHOUT YOUR BRAIN.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, I'd like a number 21 with a large coffee, please."

"Would you like anything else?"

"No, thanks!"

"Would you like anythink in your coffee?"

"No, thanks."

"Would you like hot sauce for your burrito?"

(pause) "Uh.. no thanks."

"Your order will be $3.72, please pull forward to the first window."

I pull forward, pay, then pull forward to the second window. I picture someone behind the wall dropping two microwaved burritos and a potato thing-a-majig in the (huge) sack and then she hands me the coffee and bag.

Again, the McSteps to "have it my way" involve the following:
1. Drop 2 microwaved burritos in a sack
2. Drop 1 potato thing in the sack
3. Give me the sack

Apparently, this McStooge can't do three things in a row because I'm sitting at my desk with a sack large enough for about 15 burgers and there is no fucking greazy potato thing.

Damn.

Poor grammer O' the day!

2008-07-18T13:26:00.003-05:00

Quote from a guitar sale in eBay: (Why is this so annoying to me?!)

"here's a sad story ok i build customs guitars for people
and i built this one for a guy who was really excited for it and had me make a
different fretboard for it and had it painted but here's the story a few months
ago a guy placed an order for one of my lyss customs and said he wanted the
finish to look like a les paul but we told him we only do natural finishes but
long story short before we could finish his guitar he sadly died in a head to
head car crash and now we have his guitar owner less so we decided to sell it
here now this guitar is brand new but!! it is altered from original specs and
there for we are cutting a normal price in half has some dings from who ever
painted it and the paint job is not a pro job but is a good one this guitar is
high quality now this guitar is all your favorite guitars in one
you have the body shape a mixer of a prs and a parker,the curves a mixer
between a prs and a fender the tonal quality of a gibson this i
a amazing guitar you got to play to believe"

My New iPhone

2008-07-11T09:38:00.003-05:00

I drove by the AT&T place in O'Fallon today to see if my friend Dave was in line for the new iPhone. I didn't see Dave, but I saw about 40 tired geeks awaiting the paperwork for the new technology and was "Trekkie" admiring his new black box.

I decided to run to Lake St. Louis (about 5 minutes west) and watch the symphony of nerds, and was surprised by the lack of apparatus freaks. I walked in, bought my iPhone and left.

Peace to all.

sent from Dr. Mike's iPhone blogger

Dave's Mini Van (Hummer edition)

2008-06-26T15:32:00.002-05:00

Apparently, Dave got a new dream ride (see his new book below). I thought it was odd that there's a reflection of a dead lady in the door...

Self-Help Book I found today

2008-06-26T12:20:00.008-05:00

Crazy Guitar Request

2007-11-05T17:31:00.000-06:00

I dunno-- I guess I just needed a blogging break. Anyway, today I was perusing a guitar forum and saw this request that hit me kind of odd:

"I recentlty lost my ring and pinky fingers in an accident.Iwas just getting good after 35yrs of playing.Does anyone no of a technique to use just the first and second fingers? ---------Thanks Bob"

Wow, that sucks. Bob, you can remove four of your six strings -- or you could by my best-selling book: How To Shred Guitar With Missing Fingers, Volume I I

i gue it could be or e... you c n t le t type ithout tho e t o finger .

Boxing anyone?

2007-07-17T12:40:00.000-05:00

LATE NIGHT AT THE FIGHTS

Last Saturday was a great night at the fights. Who would've thought the Ultimate Fight (at the Edward Jones Dome) would have started out with such a bang-- Two chicks beating the hell out of each other... The only thing better? Cold beer and a bunch of friends.

After a few pre-fight drinks at Chevy's, we hurried to the Dome. At $8.75 a beer, it was DELICIOUS! We landed some awesome ringside seats. It was the usual testosterone, booze, and blood night that left us with hunger for the Waffle House.

Somehow Mike Cornet got to safely the Waffl'ee Du Chez in St. Charles. I remember Keith won a farting contest and Ada put chili on his cheese eggs. (I'm not sure in which order.) About three in the morning we dropped off Cornet and we took a nap in his driveway to allow Keith to sober up a little for the drive to O'Fallon.

I had dibs on my bedroom, so there was no problem there. Mikey has been around long enough that he immediately grabbed the couch and a blanket. Keith ran upstairs and jumped onto his new territory-- the loft couch. That left only one place for both Ada and Scuba Steve... the spare bedroom.

On their behalf, I must say that normally there would have been a coin-toss to see who gets the floor... but after the drinking marathon, sleep was the only consideration. Yes, they both passed out on the same bed. They not only broke every "guy rule," but they gave us a chance to get some good blackmail photos to share.

NOTE: The following pictures are quite shocking.

Following is photo #1: It seems as though the two were quite jovial in the yard this morning. Oddly-- after they were done brawling in the grass, Ada shit next to my mailbox. Steve just sniffed around for awhile and then tried to sneak back into the house.

(scroll down for more)

Next, there’s photo #2: WOW, WTF?! We’ll never be able to use that room again, much less the bed. (I think I just threw up a little… )

(Scroll down for more)

Then we’ve got a third photo that just makes me cringe: (And who is their guest?!)

I guess we all get a little crazy once-in-awhile. We’ll have to have a talk with our friends Scuba-Steve and Ada and let them know this just isn’t acceptable.

Peace.

- Dr. Mike

POKER?! I hardly know 'er!

2007-04-05T14:23:00.000-05:00

My public apology: Dave , sorry for touching my ass on your window while mooning Dr. Jeff and Mikey last night. (Yes, I did.) I dunno-- maybe it was the 'ol Alpha Omega fraternity in me.. or maybe I just never grew up.. or perhaps I'm just disturbed Here's my recollection of last night's poker tourney at Harrah's casino:

It wasn't my idea: In Harrah's Poker Room I registered on the waiting list with the name "Vagina." I told them 'Gina (jyn-ah) was my preferred nickname, but they insisted on using the full name. "Vagina... hold'em on table 8 please." That was my cue to join the table and I went along with it.

"Are you Vagina?"
"I actually prefer 'Gina because people make fun of my full name."
"So your really Vagina."
"Technically, yes."
[There was an eternal 2-second pause from everyone at poker table 8 to check me out like I was a three-legged midget]

---
Lesson, Chip Your Cards: The bonehead to my left threw his cards against mine so it kicked me out of the game. Yeah, pretty fucking funny except I had $50 on the table with an Ace/King suited. Prick.

---
Fugly: Before getting the casino, we stopped at a local restaurant/bar for some pre-poker beverages. While looking around the bar we noticed something peculiar: For every 3-some of girls in the bar, two were pretty and one was ugly. 33% of the bar gals are like lichens... riding on others as a host to gain popularity.

---

"... and also with you"

Facing Your Fears

2007-03-23T11:20:00.000-05:00

Some call it “encopresis,” other call it “caprophobia.” Although I have not yet found the exact term to properly use of yet, I call it “the fear of public shitting.” [Insert evil music in background here.]

Indeed, I am a freakishly fearsome public dumper. They say the first step is to admit you have a problem, so I have taken that step.

You see—I am very regular. In fact, given a Sudoku puzzle or a Bill’s-Garage-type-magazine, I’m a twice-a-dayer. It’s not that I have a nugget fetish or anything bizarre like that, it’s just that I have a reliable colon that is more DEPENDable than the weatherman. My crap-ometer hit’s full every morning and every night-- I could set my watch by it.

Knowing my phobia, here’s my story of the last time I public dumped and regretted it:

It was roughly June of 1998. I hung around with a mean crowd—the folks at Trigg Banquet Center, OPOA members, and some chick we’ll just call psycho Sara. A group of ten of us met at Trigg to toss $10 into a poker game before going to the boxing match. It was the usual scene—stale Bud Light from the tapper, cussing, a little cheating, and a great time. Tom, the owner of Trigg, had decided to serve leftovers from some banquet earlier that day. My plate was covered with some white creamy-cheesed pasta mess typical for banquet fare. Everything was going pretty peachy until about 10 minutes into the poker game, when my stomach suddenly gurgled.

Has your stomach ever murmured so strong that it gave you the shivers? I looked around realized that it was going to be a very long night if I didn’t do something fast-- The creamy cheese pasta was churning and it was somehow totally oblivious to the four-hour digestive rule. Figuring there were only nine others (and Tom had his own private shitter), the odds were good that I could get in and out of the Trigg public restroom before anyone would even notice my absence.

Ever do the "duck-walk" because of the pressure on the walls inside your ass? I did. I hadn't realized how far the bathroom was from the bar of the banquet center! The door to the facility was opened and the lights were turned off, so I flipped the switch, kicked the door stopper and seized the nearest stall.

Next, I did “THE MOVE”. You know “the move” —the fine-tuned coordination when your ass is about to explode that consists of the following simutaneous moves: dropping the lid, dropping your pants, spinning around, sitting and shitting explosive diarrhea without fallout-- all at once.

Somehow I was successful. Thank God there was nobody in the restroom for THAT one. Praise Jesus that I didn’t shit-paint my pants. "Wow," I thought, "that was certainly close."

My prayers were unheard because suddenly it was the sound of the opening door. "Someone is here to fuck with me!" I thought. How pathetic—I can't even fight back because my pants are around my ankles… No wait-- That is the whistle of the old guy that cleans the bathroom. He’s REALLY going to have a mess when I’m done. Ha. Sounds like he just needed to wash his hands or something. I sat silently waiting for him to leave so I could fart out any leftover fumes before going back to our poker game.

Click...

WTF?! The old guy turned off the lights! There I sat-- pants around my ankles… shit-spray all over my ass… complete darkness, and… and… NO FUCKING PAPER. I could feel the serrated plastic paper cutter, but nothing there. Dammit. Now I’ve got some serious decisions to make. I can’t just go turn on a light because my pants are around my ankles and someone would walk in and THAT would be hard to explain... I can’t pull up my pants because my ass is still wet with shit and I don’t have time to go home and change... I can’t scream for help because it’s a bunch of guys playing poker… and, well.. you just don’t do that.

I realized, THIS is why I don’t shit in public restrooms.

If You Leave Town, Expect the Unexpected

2007-03-03T00:51:00.000-06:00

"HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR LAWN TODAY?!"

Caffeine OD

2007-02-21T05:40:00.000-06:00

Interesting, but questionable (at best) website:

http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine

According to the above website, I could consume over 170 cans of Red Bull before the caffeine content would cause death. If that's the case, why have I been up since 4:45 a.m. after 3 Shreks (redbull with UV blue vodka) during American Idol last night?!

2007 Miss Infant, USA

2007-02-05T23:50:00.000-06:00

The winner of

2007 Miss Infant, USA

Ella "Bella" Marie Williams:

She had a temperature today so

she needed a little extra attention!

Last Tuesday at our American Idol / House M.D. Party (at Dave & Violet's) she yelled out a perfect "DAD-DEE!"

She's ready for Valentine's Day EVERY day!

Beer is For Sissys

2007-01-31T04:10:00.000-06:00

Possibly the World's Greatest Drink: The SHREK. That's right, it's spelled with capitol letters. Why? Because it tastes great, it goes down smooth, and it'll keep you partying all night long! I just hope all my fellow SHREK'ers are awake with me-- at 4 a.m. The SHREK is in full effect.

Here's the recipe:
Fill one disposable 16 oz cup with ice.
Add UV Blue Vodka to the halfway mark.
Add Red Bull until the cup is full.
Shake, stir, lick, and dance.

The SHREK got it's name for it's color and power. Drink one and you'll know what I mean.

It has become the official DJ Dave's American-Idol-and-House-MD party drink. (BTW, I wish Dave would get off his ass and update his blogger to the new version.)

Gateway Clean Air Program (GCAP)

2007-01-18T21:30:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I went to get my plates renewed which everyone knows is an unnecessary hassle. $12 Car inspection: pass. $983 Personal property tax receipts for two years: check, double check. Insurance card: check. $24 GCAP emissions inspection: Fail.

"Fail?! Nobody fucking fails that test. They don't even test anything to fail-- how could I have failed?!"

The "inspector" (aka "Guy-that-got-fired-from-McDonald's-and-couldn't-get-a-job anywhere-else-that-drives-a-piece-of-shit- because-he-can't-afford-a-real-car [see below] therefore-he-grandfathers-through-the-GCAP-test-and-blows-pure-oil-out-his-tailpipe and-kills-more-birds-than-Kenny-with-his-goddam-fumes) said, "Sorry, you're car did not pass. The engine light is on and the computer says it needs work on your torque converter."

me: "Oh, the light. It's intermittant and Plaza Motors said it's a loose gas cap. If I refill the tank the light will go off."

him: "It's not your gas cap. It's your torque converter. (Grunt)"

me: "What's the torque converter have to do with clean air?"

him: "It failed our test. You'll have to get your car fixed and bring it back within 30 days. "

me: "I'll fill it up and it'll pass."

him: "It's not your gas cap. (grunt)" Then he handed me the book. The title was, "My Vehicle Failed-- Now What?!"

me: My emissions are fine, but my car failed. How is that? You mean to tell me that you can sniff out my emissions going 45 mph down a ramp with your little van and some cones, then mail me a GCAP certificate with an envelope for $24, but your computer system here failed me because I have a freaking light on?!"

15 minutes later and a tank full of gas (light turned off)

him: Your car passed. Here's your GCAP certificate.

me: It was my gas cap...

Hodge Podge

2007-01-14T17:11:00.000-06:00

All these trees in the neighborhood falling down from the ice.. I went out and shook my tree limbs and most of the ice fell off (down the back of my coat). Ingenious way to save my trees. Now about those power lines...

Last night Dave & Em came by to watch Happy Gilmore! (I give it two thumbs up.) What a great show. Somehow we ended up watching the marionettes do it on "Team America" afterwords. I'd rate it "just over sucks."

American Idol starts Tuesday!! (Bahm bahm buh duhh bahhhhhm!) Okay, so I'm a freak.

That's all I got. Cheers!

Re Organizing

2007-01-10T11:56:00.000-06:00

It's probably just a guy-thing, but I'm a creature of habit. A trash can once sat next to the wall by the kitchen wall phone and was moved to the end of the center-bar. It was moved four years ago and I STILL find myself walking to the empty spot to leave trash. I also still open a "utensil drawer" that was once my bachelor knife-and-fork drawer.

Today I want to get my fave White Castle coffee cup out of the cupboard by the coffee pot and I greeted by large plastic cups. (You know, the 24 oz. thick plastic ones that usually sit by a batheroom sink for a month before making it's way to the dishwasher.) As if I entered Paula's game, I searched where the plastic cups used to live and I found the regular drinking glasses. Ah Ha! Running out of things to find, I quickly ran across the kitchen to where the drinking glasses used to live and there were not coffee cups, but colanders. Fucking COLANDERS!! They somehow graduated from a floor level cabinet to a cupboard above the counter! WHERE'S MY MUG?!

There was a time when Ms. Paula decided to clean the garage. I won't go into detail, but I'm still missing two hammers, three screwdrivers, a caulk gun, and a circular saw.

So I'm sitting here drinking from a disposable QT cup that I found in the pantry. Why, pray tell, was there not one, but two disposable QT cups-- cleaned and saved in my pantry? Because my mother-in-law saves them and I have NO IDEA why. I refuse to ask.

Here's what's messed up: You can ask Paula any time where something is and she'll immediately rattle off the location, whether an old location or a new one, without hesitation and then she'll stare at me like I should know her system.

"I moved the plastic cups so they are more convenient for me."

---

Ever gotten to a friend's house without calling first and catch them do'in it? Here's the studdered excuse I got after ringing the doorbell 3 times:

*Marvin said, "Uh, I was, uh.. just taking a nap and she, uh.. is just getting out of the, uh, shower.. Sorry it took me so long.. I didn't think you'd be here until later..."

Sally said, "Oh.. hi! I was just, uh.. taking a nap and he was, uh.. just getting out of the shower.. Sorry it took so him so long to get the door.."

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Be nice to someone today.

Peace.

My first good deed of 2007

2007-01-02T22:18:00.000-06:00

Today I volunteered to help Dr. Jeff finish his fence around his pool. We spent the best part of the day digging the holes, leveling, and placing the 6 foot pieces into place, but we didn't get finished before I had to run to the office for a couple hours.

About 6:30 p.m. I met him back at his house to finish the fence and we realized his measuring wheel was about 8 feet off. In other words, we built a fence in the yard behind him!

We spend a couple hours pulling the cemented poles out so we can do it again this Saturday morning. I reached into my pocket and found these good thoughts:

Good thing Jeff didn't pay someone to help him!
I'm glad I'm not his neighbor! (12 3-foot deep holes w/cement in them...)
I learned a tool NOT to use when measuring lawns.
It was nice outside.

I hope everyone got things accomplished today!

- Mike

New Year Resolution

2007-01-02T21:49:00.000-06:00

I decided I will try to be nicer to people in 2007. Paula told me that my sinister remarks and crude comments are just plain rude (even though I really don't mean some of them). I'm a people-watcher and one thing people-watchers do is make fun of others. Real fun. And when I make fun of someone, I don't hold back-- I just say whatever I want.. just not to their face. I just enjoy erecting a little fun at the expense of others.

Until now.

Beginning today, I'm going to be very nice to everyone. No more poking fun and no more snide remarks. A very good friend of mine (Dr. Roozbeh Dodhi) used to fill his pocket every single day with "good deeds, good thoughts, and good words." Here are a few examples of what you might hear me say this year:

You look great today!
Wow! Did you lose 10 pounds?
I'm glad I ran into you. I was just thinking how nice it would be to see you!
Did you read my mind?! You're awesome.
Did you get your hair done or are you having an amazing great hair day?
Your eyes are sparkling! Thanks for the cheer!
I can't wait to hear more...
Wow! You smell great.
The whole room brightened up when you walked in! Do it again!
I'm glad I'm your friend. It makes my life so much more exciting!
I hope one day I have a vocabulary as elegant as yours.
Your not just cool, you're classy!

Happy New Year to All! I hope everyone prospers and gets all they dream for in 2007.

Peace.

- Mike

Inappropriate Gifts

2006-12-29T10:56:00.000-06:00

An orthodox Jewish friend of mine invited me (hard to believe, but true!) to his 30th birthday party. I thought it would be funny to bring his a "Happy Birthday Old Man" box of Depends. Ever needed to get away? Being Baptheran (that's Baptist / Lutheran) I didn't realize the 30th Jewish birthday is very serious.

One time I was at a friend's wedding reception and I slipped an "extra" gift onto the gift table. It was a 10 inch dildo --and I put a sticker on it, "Love, Gramma." It was fun watching the expression on their faces when they opened it and placed it aside... I've never told them it wasn't really from their Gramma.

Speaking of Gramma-- I once put a "cigarette load" in my Gramma Schmitz's cigarette. She about died from heart attack, but she quit smoking.

I received a live goat for Christmas two years ago.. thanks to my brother-in-law Bill and my father-in-law, Jim. Paybacks are still coming.

Yesterday I gave my good friend "DJ DAVE" an adulterated gift that I thought was funny. I Photoshopped the DVD cover of Jackass II to "Dave's a goddam Jackass." THEN, after a wonderful lasagna dinner that Emily created they pull out the coolest, most sentimental Christmas gift I've ever seen... and it was for my daughter, Ella. "Uncle Dave" narrated "The Grinch that Stole Christmas" with voice-over, music, and special background effects. "Aunt Em" even voiced the part of little Cindy-Lou. It was so nice both Paula and I had tears. (Yes, I do have tears.) Here's a big THANK YOU, DAVE AND EMILY! Thanks for not only the coolest gift ever, but thanks for making me feel like a gift-schmuck!

That's all I got. Anyone else had an inappropriate gift? Tell us about it!

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T09:16:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone is enjoying their Holiday so far.

I know some are probably offended because I used the "Christmas" word. If that's the case, then pretend this message isn't for you and click, "next blog."

My nephew (17 years old) was pushing shopping carts for Shop 'N Save. While on the clock, he got reprimanded for singing Christmas songs in the parking lot in front of customers. Apparently there was a bystanding Jew amongst the group.

I told him he should have just said, "Well I WASN'T singing to you, was I?"

What do you think? Should we get in trouble for singing Christmas songs at work?

My Caribbean Cruise Summary

2006-12-17T20:55:00.000-06:00

Day 1: Left Miami. Everything was GREAT!
Day 2: Still sailing. My shit was brown. My face was smiling.
Day 3: San Juan, Puerto Rico. My shit was brown. Town was old and worn down.
Day 4: St. Maartin. My shit was brown. Scooters and island were awesome!
Day 5: St. Thomas. My shit was oily and yellow. Missed any sign of life for 24 hours. Turned green. Puked all day. My face was sad.
Day 6: Nassau, Bahamas. My shit was a black, tarry sludge. Had a total blast w/cousin Donny because Paula was in cabin with oily, yellow shit. Two guys behind a hut on a beach sold us coconuts with home made alcohol concoction. "All was good, mon!" I learned to dance. My face was numb.
Day 7: Back home. Shit's brown again. Great trip.

Yet another pet peave

2006-12-08T21:23:00.000-06:00

The most common question I get whenever I run into someone I haven't seen in awhile: "So, are you still doing that chiropractic thing?"

Let's see:
1. 8+ years of college to get my doctorate
2. $150,000 of school loans
3. $200,000 in equipment
4. 14 years of private practice
5. Income

"Nahh.. I gave it up! I was offered a good job down at the Culver's where I get 10% off any burger platter."

"Nahh.. I decided to sell cars instead because of the great benefits and the outdoorsy atmosphere."

"Nahh.. I didn't get enough school so I enrolled in Rankin Technical Institute to learn HVAC... or truck driving.. or something."

---

BTW, we're leaving for the Eastern Carribean tomorrow (Dec 10). Paula and I will miss everyone, including your mom.

Peace.

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it err... ICE!

2006-12-01T21:45:00.000-06:00

Paula's Birthday Party:
After too many shots and too little sleep last night ("Thank You" Paula for turning 29!), I was disappointed to see less than 12 inches of snow this morning. In fact, 6 inches would have been a fine excuse not to go to my office this morning-- 5 inches would have justified it, and if there had been 4 inches I could have slept tonight knowing that I did the right thing by staying home.

But Noooo... 3 inches of ice, 3 inches of snow, 3 hours of sleep, 3 coats of cat hair on my tongue, and 3 minutes to get in the shower, rush to the office to see 3 patients.

'The "good" news: My beamer was in the garage-- warm, dry and ice-free. The "bad" news: two cars were parked IN MY DRIVEWAY blocking my ride. Shit.

Ever had the urge to "plow" your car through the 2.5 foot buildup of snow the lovely plow-guy left behind? Me too. In fact, now i remember why we don't do that-- it's called getting stuck.

Fuck off, Dave! I know your Hummer would have man-handled it...
You too, Em! The whole physics thing was too fuzzy from my hangover... It SEEMED like I could make it.

Neighbors:
My neighbor that I call, "Stretch-Arm-Strong" was shoveling snow last night when we got in from the bar. At 5:00 a.m. he was re-shoveling his driveway when Ella got me up. At 8:00 a.m. he was stuck blocking the street because his car basically sucks in the snow. I call they guy "stretch-arm-strong" because he's always stretching his legs in his driveway getting ready for the next marathon. It can be 20 below out and he'll be in his way-too-short-shorts doing his pathetic stretch routine. Did I mention he's Russian and overly kind? Yeah, he can't just say hi. "Guud afversternoon, Doktor Vilyums! Deed you readah de news boutah deese new muhdeekle treatment fer deesk pan?" (Yeah, whatever.. shut the fuck up and quit that goddam stretching bullhsit.. THERE IS NO FUCKING MARATHON!!)

Being a dad:
I remember a day when a spilled brew meant changing into a clean shirt. I realized yesterday that since Ella was born things have changed a bit. Before we went out last night Paula asked me if I was going to change my shirt... Seems there was a little puke on the left shoulder that had dribbled down to the backside of my elbow. It actually didn't bother me, but Paula said it stunk so I changed.

Being drunk:
Some people are obnoxious, mean drunks. Not me-- I'm a nice drunk. I let friends win at liar's poker. Also, with beer in hand, I offer to help people that are stuck in the snow while we're out driving. Interesting how polite and helpful I am when I'm drunk-- especially when the State Trooper showed up to see what the problem was! Fortunately, I didn't have puke on my shirt and I had left the bottle in the ca.. I mean bar, yeah-- in the bar.

Blogging Fact:
My most hit page is my archived page of Birdman pissing. (And yes, I'm milking for hits!) Just don't visit the Internet Money Machine because it's GOT to be a scam... how can you really make $13,890 from $50?!

PEACE.

ABC should choose their anchors more wisely...

2006-11-20T16:33:00.000-06:00

Something almost eerie about this anchor...

Emissions, My Ass!

2006-11-14T22:10:00.000-06:00

Just for the record, I think the "drive-by" emisssion test is pretty much a scam.

Just mail me a bill for $24 and stop pretending that the emission test actually tests anything. A few years ago when the 16-year-old-looking zit-faced kid dressed in mechanic's bibs at Gateway Clean Air Act couldn't hook up my Durango correctly he passed me with the explanation that, "It's pretty new.. and probably running fine."

"And about those old cars that don't have to pass any emissions..."

My Photo Edit

2006-11-09T17:27:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I just realized that my blogger photo looks gay. Sorry, guys.. but I'm not.

Nothing has really been exciting, but here's my recent 411:

I found out through the grapevine that Thanksgiving is at our house. Ughhh! Enough said...

A patient of mine got a nutritional from a pharmacy because her doctor WROTE A PRESCRIPTION. Problem is, it's half-price over-the-counter... sheesh!

ELLA rolled over today for the first time (yayy! She's so advanced.) See her at www.EllaMarieWilliams.com if you already haven't. She's a future Miss America.

Last night at Dave's we challenged over the damn "Mosquito" helicopter. The object was to touch the miniature copter to the lamp cord without wiping out... a feat that took hours to accomplish and bastard Dave did it first.

BTW, when double-cheese microwave popcorn expires by 2 years it tastes fine. (It just makes your shit turn orange the next morning.)

Did I mention that yesterday I wore two different black shoes to the office? I'm pretty positive nobody noticed or they would have DEFINATELY said something. Maybe I have too many shoe pairs? (Emily seems to think that the plural of 'pair' is 'pairs.' I declare Shananagins!)

Funny think is that Em's already thinking about how she's going to tell me that shananagin isn't spelled like that.

Dave is right now thinking that it's funny that I'm right about what Em's thinking...

Paula is right now thinking that we hang out with Em and Dave too much because we know them THAT well..

Chris "Turtle" is wiping a tear right now because I know how to make her laugh so hard... and it's making her laugh writing about it...

Okay, I PROMISE tomorrow will have more substance. I'm in a lull . . . (let me out!)

Peace.

BTW, I need some beta-testers to try my Internet Money Machine . If interested, use the "example" ID number to sign in. There's a description at the bottom of the page under "commission summary." Thanks!

Penis Envy

2006-10-17T07:04:00.000-05:00

First of all, congratulations to the 300,000,000 person to be born in the US about 5 minutes ago. Welcome to our country.

I am appauled that North Korea can "test" nuclear weapons and I'm not allowed to legally burn a damn M-80 in the neighbors bird bath. WTF? Maybe if I split an atom or two, we'll have a brighter 4th of July next year -- a true "independance day." Let's see O'Fallon's finest citate THAT!

Here's an idea: Give N. Korea a ticket for illegal fireworks. Citate them on the basis they were in city limits and slap on a hefty $50 fine plus court costs. Or MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO STOP PURCHASE OF PLUTONIUM BEFORE THEY WERE ABLE TO BUILD THAT DAMN WEAPONS! I love that they have said they are not afraid... (A classic case of, "Mines Bigger Than Yours.") Why does the phrase "Un-united Nations" come to mind?

"My Bush, what a package you have"

Speaking of terrorism, my mom taught me to get new friends if their names are spelled anything like "Imam Talal Eid."

You wanna know what else? I don't want a free credit score!! I freakin check it once a month because it's part of financial health... I'm sick of the goddamn commercials for home loans and free credit score reports. Why can't they make a TiVO button that will allow me to record my favorites WITHOUT any trace of a commercial? THERE's a money-maker!

Have a great day.

OCTOBERFEST

2006-10-06T21:46:00.000-05:00

THIS IS WHAT WINERY RUNS ARE ALL ABOUT!!

Happy October, everyone. Drink and be safe. Be very safe. Watch out for "Birdman"

Turn Back The Clock 15 Seconds!!

2006-10-05T21:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I wind the BFD award tonight. I was trimming Ella's fingernails with a newly sharpened chainsaw and somehow woke her up with a bloody thumb.

GEEZUSS! Of all the mean things I've done, this one actually made me feel bad. Ever have a situation (besides, that time you impregnated your neighbors daughter) when you just wish you could turn the clock back about 15 seconds and do it differently? (Everyone that has an 'ex' knows what I mean...)

And dammit-- I didn't see any warnings on the side of the nail-clippers that said they were sharp. WHAT IS THAT WORTH?!

(I'll not only sue the clipper manufacturer, I'll sue WalMart, QT*, and myself on my daughter's behalf!)

* I tossed QT in there because they just have too much freaking money. Besides, I had to stop there to get gas and it caused more pain and suffering for Ella while she awaited my fixing her thumb.

God, Help Me Get This Shoe Out of My Mouth!

2006-09-26T14:53:00.000-05:00

Last weekend we had our annual Conference in Austin, Texas. Everyone knows that St. Louis Airport has the *BEST* shoe-shiners around so we took the advantage.

The old fella shining my shoes told me his name was, "Mike." Apparently, I had seen at some point in my life seen a show that impressed me and blurted, "Hey, Mike.. Can you snap that rag and sing me a song while you shine?" He looked at me and mentioned that he hadn't done that in probably 40 years.

Now I'm notified that it was BuckWheat on The Little Rascles making fun of a slavery thing... Oh Geez.

Secure Blogging

2006-09-20T17:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes internet security is just so frustrating:

CRAZY DIET WORKS!! (so far...)

2006-09-14T14:29:00.000-05:00

Okay, here's the skinny: Being a health care professional, I get ALL KINDS of information on dieting, nutrition, etc. Most diet information is silly, including many of the "fad" diets that we've all been exposed to.

Here's what I've been schooled to understand: Calories "in" must equal calories "out", or you store them. Every 3600 calories stored in your body = 1 pound of gained weight.

[Every pound of gained weight decreases your chance of ever getting laid by 2%. Therefore, 50 lbs of fat = no lucky fridays.]

The good news, you tubs of lard, is that we have been taught WRONG!!

[According to Maxim Magazine, every 30 lbs of weight gained = 1/2 inch of FUDA]

During an attention deficit information highway search, I stumbled across a diet that sounded interesting enough to accept my credit card. It seemed SO BIZARRE that I was willing to try it JUST TO PROVE IT WOULDN'T WORK! (Half of me hoped it would.)

Here is the link to the compelling sales page that got me and I urge you to read it. It is the most bizarre thing I've read on dieting.

Simply put, with FATLOSS4IDIOTS I've lost 7 pounds in under 4 days. (The goal is 9 pounds in 11 days.) I guess that means I'm 1/4 inch ... nevermind.

Pros:
1. You eat only what you enjoy eating (you choose from a list)
2. You eat as much as you want (not making yourself "stuffed")
3. You eat 4 meals per day as oulined on your personal diet plan
4. It only lasts 11 days and you can repeat it if you want for another 9 pounds
5. It's cheap and it actually makes sense one you read the manuscript on "why" it works
6. So far, I haven't had to revert to exercising

Cons:
1. Day two was a "detox" day in which I had only fruit for 3 of my 4 meals. Ewww.
2. Beer wasn't on the list of menu items for this 11 days.
3. Did I mention that day two sucked? I started craving cookies and meat by 4 p.m.
4. 10 glasses of water / day = 10 trips to the restroom.. and then some.
5. People laugh at you when you tell them your lunch is Roast Beef and peanuts-- all you want.

So far, this one gets the Dr. Mike two-thumbs-up approval.

I'll let you know in a week how I'm doing...

BYW, in case you lose or forget the link, you can find it on my office website as well:
http://www.chiro-practice.net/

Blackberry Thumb

2006-09-12T15:08:00.000-05:00

Of all the dumb things on the news, apparently the APTA (American Physical Therapy Ass'n) came out with a new diagnosis for thumb pain. They call it the dreaded:

BLACKBERRY THUMB

Does that mean that I'll have PocketPC 6700 thumb? I can see the lawsuits now. "Uh, my thumb hurts from using my PDA at work, so I'm going to have to take eight weeks off. I'll need help filling out the work comp forms..."

Give me a fucking break. Next thing you know we'll be staying home with "Sampsonite Ass" and "Nike Stupidosis."

Mmmm Chinese Food and stuff

2006-09-08T13:38:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure (nor do I want to be) what is in Garlic Chicken (from Good One chinese palace) but it sure hit the spot today for lunch.

My question(s):
1. How can chinese food go through me so fast when it's supposed to take 4 hours to digest?
2. How can they sell $8.00 worth of food for $4.25?
3. Has anyone noticed that there are about 30 chinese restaurants in O'Fallon? How?
4. What's the definition of "rangoon?"

----

A bit of trivial (government) information:

My personal Tax ID number is the same damn number that was issued to someone as a SSN. Figure that one out. And that bastard didn't pay $10,000 of taxes in 2003 so I got his letter. Talk about screwed up... try explaining this to someone working at the IRS. I want to know who is the butthead that allowed this to happen!

Inside joke: Anyone reading this with a 2000 BMW 528i -- I've got some broken cup holders if you need them.

Okay, there's no substance to this blog. I'll stop while I'm ahead!

Things Dads Learn

2006-08-29T17:31:00.000-05:00

1. Babies poop a lot.
2. There is a magical "pee" reflex when one lifts a babies butt up to change a diaper.
3. Babies have no sense of time.
4. "eh eh eh" becomes "WAHH WAHH WAHH" real quick...
5. If you plan 1/2 hour ahead, babies take an extra 45 minutes.
6. A newborn smiles when something really bad is about to happen.
7. A baby can spit up 2 ounces for every ounce consumed.
8. Dirty people at WalMart are attracted to babies.
9. Ailes in department stores don't allow for strollers.
10. Sales people should realize "pink" = "girl" before striking up conversation.

I've been corrected... or something like that.

2006-08-25T16:27:00.000-05:00

A user comment:

Terry said...
I was researching "The Stars Spangled Banner" (our National Anthem) and ran across your blog's post of July 4, 2006. Although your post was written several months ago, I would like to point out the third line of the anthem/song/poem is incorrect. Instead of saying, "...through the clouds of the fight..." it should say "...through the perilous fight.""The National Anthem Project" was formed by various groups and individuals (including Laura Bush); it is on a crusade to have people know the correct words to the anthem/song/poem.Please go “The National Anthem Project” website at:http://www.nationalanthemproject.org/and click on the link that says “words”.

I just thought you'd like to know.
2:42 AM

Terry,

Did you click on my link to the picture of the original National Anthem? I'd rethink your organization.

"A CRUSADE TO HAVE PEOPLE KNOW THE CORRECT WORDS?!" Someone needs a life...

Here's an incomplete list of other dumb organizations that I found:

LBNAPTTIW - Laura Bush's National Anthem Project to Teach Incorrect Words
CAPSS - Coalition Against the Patenting of Snowflake Shapes
KMINTC - "Click Me In The Jimmy" Club
OATNO - The Oraganization for Anything That Needs an Organization
DMFC - Dave Morris Friendship Club
SBUAFPP - The Smelly Brothers' Union Against Fat Piano Players

It's the weekend!!

2006-07-07T22:12:00.000-05:00

Beer, brats, and a little R&R.

Everyone have a great weekend!

Happy Independence Day!!

2006-07-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

First, I'd like to say Congratulations to O'Fallon, MO for it's sesquicentennial celebration. The fireworks display last night rocked (although KSDK reported they would fire at 10:15 p.m. and they actually started at 9:15 p.m.)

This morning as I awoke, I was trying to remember the words of the Star Spangled Banner. You know-- Our National Anthem. As I lied there thinking through the words I realized I've sung this song thousands of times, and I don't know the words without singing the bloody tune (that's my way of recognizing my English friend, Ada whom is a new daddy). It's like starting the alphabet in the middle without singing the alphabet song-- It cannot be done.

After thinking way too much about the words, I realized they don't make a whole lot of sense! It was time to look up the lyrics online:

Oh say can you see,
by the dawn's early light
which so proudly we hailed
by the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose bright starts and broad stripe
through the clouds of the fight.
[Clouds? What was perilous?]
O'er the ramparts we watch'd
['ramparts' means a means of defense or protection]
Were so galantly streaming?

And the rocket's red glare
The bombs bursting in air
Gave proof to the night
That our flag was still there.

O say does that star spangled banner yet wave?
O'er the home of the free
and the land of the brave.

---

What amazed me was the history of the melody which was taken from the British:

In 1814, Francis Scott Key wrote new words for a well-known drinking song, "To Anacreon in Heaven," to celebrate America's recent victory over the British. However, only in 1931, following a twenty-year effort during which more than forty bills and joint resolutions were introduced in Congress, was a law finally signed proclaiming "The Star Spangled Banner" to be the national anthem of the United States.

Anyway, Happy 4th of July. Don't get blown up.

This and that..

2006-06-29T09:26:00.000-05:00

People slay me. Today there was a 6" placostamas dead in the tank. You know-- the black, bug-eyed algae eater that sucks shit off the sides of the tank? Apparently he wedged his ugly, fat head between a rock and a plant-pot and couldn't get out. (Odd that God didn't give a placostamas the ability to swim in reverse.) A patient wanted to reach in and grab it for me. Two problems with that: 1) the fish's belly was eaten, and 2) the lady was too excited. WAY.

People don't think. My wife, Paula tells the story better, but this is just too funny. We have a patient that came in and said, "Oh my! You're pregnant!" (WTF? Have you had your head completely stuffed up your ass?) Paula said she was 4 weeks away from her due date and the lady said something like, "Oh, I thought your face was fat because big girls have chubby faces."

Speaking of Pregnant. My daughter, in embryo, has her own website. www.EllaMarieWilliams.com . She doesn't have much to say yet, but she takes a cute picture!

Landscaping Sucks. I began re-landscaping the front of the house a while back, on somewhat of a whim. The first half went so smooth (and only took a weekend) that I decided to finish the other half-- you know, the side with the slope. The dreaded fucking slope...

A month and about a thousand dollars later, I'm still working on the Great Wall of Norwood Hills. I've got 4 tons of dirt in my driveway, a pile of gravel, something called "chat", and a blistered tip-of-the index finger. (Yes, I smashed it with a rubber mallet.) Next time I'll hire 4 mexicans and be done with it. (And I mean that in a positive way.)

Glorified Work Titles. In the late 80's I pushed a shovel for Schaefer-Meyer (on the seed/sod division). I hated that fact that I was a "shovel-pusher" so I called myself a "Manual Backhoe Operator." People thought that was cool, but it meant one thing: I pushed a shovel.

I've got a friend named Dave that calls himself a "Voice-Over Expert or Engineer." Here's my Top 10 list of requirments to call yourself a VOE:

10. Must have a "Home Office" (basement)
9. "Studio" = a closet with microphone

... come to think of it, that's all the requirements. At first I thought it was cool, but it means one thing: He works in his underwear, in the basement, in a closet.

OH JEEZUSS!

2006-06-20T13:59:00.000-05:00

What's wrong with this picture:

A) The trash company planted roses on their facilities,

B) The photographer was so drunk his CAMERA was seeing double

C) Mike opened an email virus that was labeled, "Click here to empty trash..."

D) Mike's new piece of art, rightfully named "My Vision of Hell," includes new trash bins everyday for eternity,

E) All of the above

Dirty old people..

2006-06-19T16:44:00.000-05:00

Today we were driving down the road when a "skittle car" (any car that is small enough to run on 3 cylinders and looks like a family of mexicans would own it) buzzed by the following letters on it's vanity plates: TEA BAG

Odd that some old goat thinks that's cool. (I'm just say'in)

---- endorsement ----
My official O'Fallon chiropractic (chiropractor) website can be found at www.chiro-practice.net .

There really IS A GOD!

2006-06-16T10:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got home from the office-- low and behold (a phrase my grandma Williams used to use), there was a spanking new, almost shiney recycle bin. (Fist to-the-waste gesture*) "YESSSSS!"

And not only that, there sitting next to it was it's twin cousin, a new 96-gallon GIGANO-TRASH CONTAINER!!! It's my lucky week!!

Turbo Recycling 101

2006-06-14T12:08:00.000-05:00

If you've been to my house on a weekend, you'll understand why I've gotten "pink slips" from O'Fallon garbage and Recycling. Our pick-up day is Monday which is convenient after our 3-day liver persecution.

Today I followed my usual pattern and erected a stack of cardboard ON TOP of my recycle bin. When the recycle guy (whom actually seemed happy to have a job unlike most garbage collectors) used the freakish mechanical arms to load my cardboard art, it did as I figured and fell all over the ground.

Paula convinced me to help the poor bastard pick up the mess he made and here's how the discussion went: (My thoughts have been put into quotes, my actual words are in quotes.)

me: "Hi! I guess I stacked it a little high, sorry."
(Hey, fucker! Did you actually think that stack of trash was going to defy gravity and jump into your earth-mover? Damn shame it's 95 degrees out and you're picking up all our shit...)

him: "Oh, it's not a problem. This is nothing compared to a bunch of 'em I pick up."
(Hey fucker.. did you actually think I'd pick up your shit?)

me: "These containers are worthless."
(These containers are worthless!"

him: "Well, the city is weaning off of these two-lidded recycling containers. We just got a new shipment and they are much bigger."
(These containers are worthless!"

me: "What do I have to do to upgrade to the new container?"
(Just fucking take my damn can, and have them upgrade me a new one!)

him: Actually, if your container is destroyed, we'll bring you one right away for free. I'll just destroy yours right now and you can call the city and tell them you need another.
(I'm the recycle guy-- I'll recycle your shit.)

me: "Uhh, okay. Thanks!"
(WTF? The recycle guy wants to trash a perfectly good bin! That's AWESOME!!!)

----

Next Weeks Lesson: How to get a new trash can...

You can get IT with eBay

2006-05-26T09:51:00.000-05:00

So far, my eBay experience has been pretty good. You who know me understand that I like toys -- and eBay has just about any grown-up "toy" you can imagine. It started with slot machines, then neon bar lights, then airsoft guns... and ultimately I yearned to play the electric guitar.

The other day I decided to see what the market value is on my Coke Machine that sits idly in my garage and I stumbled across an eBook, "How to legally get a free Coke from a Coke machine." For $1.99 I figured I'd enjoy the risk of scam, and maybe even learn how to reset my machine to drop a Coke-beer for free.

Here's the skinny: 72 hours went by and no eBook (big surprise) from mueller1337@yahoo.com . He said he wanted a positive feedback or he'd leave me a negative one.

I DECLARE SHENANIGANS!!

Due to junior-high attitude and his eBay $1.99 extortion, I'd like for everyone that's having a bad day to send a little e-mail to him and dump your frustrations ... and leave us feedback so we can see what you bitched to him about!

I think I'll go first..

My Very Best Friend

2006-05-12T14:54:00.000-05:00

She's one-of-a-kind!!

I love ya, Paula!

You can get IT on Ebay!

2006-05-12T11:44:00.000-05:00

Ever been so pathetically bored that you logged onto ebay.com and randomly searched for stupid shit? Get this: I did a search on "scam" and found a manual on how to scam people for just $9.99 .

"AS IF."

I'm pretty tempted...

Today's Score: Girls 1, Boys 1

2006-05-06T09:37:00.000-05:00

Paula tells me I'm like a messy kid. No matter what I do, she complains about "the crumbs" or "You left this out", or that belongs there... and today I must admit that SHE IS RIGHT. I'm not giving in, guys-- It is hard to do this, but today Paula scores a point because I am like a messy damn little kid.

It all started this morning while we were lying in bed talking about the days activities- Grandma and Grandpa K's 60th anniversay party, carving the watermelon, and the Indian-noises my nephew Landin was making downstairs. I asked Paula if she knew where my pumpkin carving tools were and instantly blasted the inside of my Fruit of the Looms with a shit painting that would make Picaso blush.

Skivvy painting, my friend, is worth a point for the guys.

Peace.

OH MY FARGIN BLOG!!

2006-05-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

(The following information is for entertainment purpose only. This post contains adult language and material--If you are under 18 years of age, please press your "back" button to leave this page. The names below are fictitious and were changed to protect the innocent; any similarities are strictly coincidental. If you understand and agree with the above statement(s), then procede to the following post. By proceding to the following post, you hereby agree that you will not hold the writer or his heirs, family, friends, associates, work-mates, pets, one-night stands, or UPS driver personally responsible for any actions whatsoever blah blah blah, Amen brother.)

Let's see.. last night I heard the newsreporter saying something about people at school losing their scholarships and others getting prosecuted, fired, etc. BECAUSE THEY HAD TYPED DEROGATORY INFORMATION ON THEIR BLOG.

My ex-wife is a bitch.
Fuck Wentzville School district and their whore-paying once-was superintendent.
Female's should be wiping babies asses, not making congressional decisions.
You dumb bastards that can't read this blog, racial descrimination isn't an excuse.
If you're a terrorist, you don't deserve a trial.
If I have to show proof of insurance, a social security card, driver's license and a paid personal property receipt just to renew my plates, immig-- err.. illegal aliens can KISS MY ASS.
Hey, New Orleans... your welcome is worn out! Go home.
"Press 1 to Choose English" anytime in North America is horse shit.
If 1:100 people are handicapped, WTF are there 1:10 handicapped parking spots (half of which are double-wide).
I'll tear the consumer tag off my pillow if I damn well want to.
People without manners live in trailors.

Did I forget anyone?

Secure? Fo' Shizzle!

2006-05-04T08:55:00.000-05:00

A couple monday PET PEAVES

2006-05-01T10:17:00.000-05:00

I realized two more things today that really bother me:

1) The crusties that fall into your cereal from the top of the milk jug that were dried to the the lid..

2) This whole "immigrant" move. Here's a thought: Get the fuck out.

I'm jus say'in...

Who is this (con't)

2006-05-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

Here's another clue. . .

Question: WHO IS THIS?!!

2006-04-18T23:56:00.000-05:00

"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">

I DID IT!!

2006-04-18T00:10:00.000-05:00

I got my 10 (yes, ten) tax extensions to the post office in time-- with 15 minutes to spare. Wouldn't it be nice if the tax system was "on our honor?" Seems like this time last year I was preparing for my audit.

Nosireee, Bob! And OH-- I want to thank Ms. Womack (USPostal inspector in O'Fallon) for NOT having extended hours tonight. I enjoyed the drive to the airport at 10:30 p.m.

I called a friend to see if he wanted me to take his extension to the airport for him. He said, "Hell, Michael-- I got my extension in early. This way I can run around October 15th to get them done!"

Here's my question: If you make $100K and spend $100K isn't that like not making anything? And if I check that little box to donate $3 does that decrease my chances of getting an audit? Can I write off that $3?

That brings me to another question: When I send bills to patients, can I put a check-box on the top that says, "I'd like to pay $3 so Dr. Mike can get a beer"?

I love Spring!

2006-04-11T23:12:00.000-05:00

Here are a few pics from my yard today:

Dandelions are cool and so are viola's-- even when they take over my lawn.

Pinecones are fun to shoot with the lawnmower.
Bumblebees still suck!

blogger-napped

2006-03-23T22:29:00.000-06:00

that's what it's called when your blog doesn't appear ... unless you scroll the screen up and down a couple times.

Dear Meth Lab Technician:

2006-03-23T22:11:00.000-06:00

I'm desperate and I need your help.

I've got a sinus infection and the Walgreen's pharmacy won't allow me to get Sudafed because I got a box of ten 12-hour pills 6 days ago.

I find it quite ironic that it's easier to get an over-the-counter drug on the streets than over-the-counter.

If you have any extra Sudafed (preferably the 120mg tabs as in Aleve Cold and Sinus) I'd appreciate a reply. Meanwhile, I think I'll drink a bottle or two of Nyquil to help me sleep through my snoring from sinus congestion.

Paula's Cravings

2006-03-11T22:25:00.000-06:00

Since Paula is about 5 months pregnant, she comes up with some doozies. Today in the sky there was one cloud. I said, "Hey, look.. that cloud looks like a centipede!"

She looked out the window and said, "Mmm, it's a bratwurst cloud..."

Today's My Goddam Lucky Day!

2006-03-10T15:22:00.000-06:00

Two things I traditionally don't eat before I go to the office: Rare meat or onions.

Except today.

For some unknown reason while at Quizno's I ordered the prime rib sandwich (hold the onions, for Christsake!) and enjoyed every single tender bite before returning to the office.

A construction friend of mine was lying on the table, face down, when I thrusted the chiropractic adjustment to his mid back and "THHRRRRRP"... I farted.

No, not an SBD but a genuine melody that even Bill's Garage would envy.

"Wow!", I said, "Excuse the hell outta me-- Are you okay!"

"What was that?", he asked (as if he didn't already know!)

"I just adjusted your back so hard, it knocked the shit out of ME!"

Why am I so lucky? Absolutely no scent-- None. Zilch, nada.

Missouri DMV

2006-03-03T15:33:00.000-06:00

Poll:

Has anyone ever had trouble with the MO Dept. of Motor Vehicle?
(please comment)

Channel 5 (KSDK) News

2006-02-08T10:41:00.000-06:00

I was watching the news today and I noticed an AMAZING thing. The news is now HDTV. Wow, this is something I've been missing. I guess it's time to defenestrate my TV and upgrade!

More Fun @ Bill's Garage!!

2006-02-07T14:52:00.000-06:00

What do you get when you cross a Bill with an electrical device (attached to his face) and LOTS of beer?! Check it out:

Bill's Garage Exclusive:

And the winner is...

2006-02-06T07:37:00.000-06:00

Superbowl Sunday 2006 was not just a day for beer-drinking and commercial-watching, it was also the day for Bill's Garage First Annual Chili cookoff. DJ Dave had an impressive winning "Hottest" chili, but Dr. Mike's Twice Burn "Kick Yer Ass Chili" was the favorite.

... and now, a word from our sponsor:

2006-01-27T15:26:00.000-06:00

Stages of My Life

2006-01-19T02:48:00.000-06:00

Mindy's Blog reminded me of different names that I have gone by over the past 40 (ish) years...

1) "Mikey"
2) "Bing's Son"
3) "Little Mike" (I have an older step-brother named Mike)
4) "Spike"
5) "Michael"
6) "Dad"
7) "Greg's Dad"
8) "Mister Williams"
9) "Dr. Williams"
10) "Dr. Mike"

... and finally,

11) "Stud Muffin"

I'm Going To Hollywood!!

2006-01-18T07:20:00.000-06:00

Who says, "White People Can't Dance?"

2006-01-17T04:41:00.000-06:00

BUD LIGHT PRESENTS...

Help me find the caption.

2006-01-16T16:44:00.000-06:00

What's the Caption?:

BTW-- Chris, click HERE

Today's "Cliff Notes" News

2006-01-13T12:51:00.000-06:00

I've decided to highlight the current events into a 20 second overview:

Iran opens Nuclear Weapons Plant. [And this is a problem?]
Bird Flu still a problem. [Mostly in Turkey? How ironic!]
Sharon "Cher-Rone" is still dim.
Australia and US donate $50 to clean the air. [Half of which will go to Bill's Garage.]
Trees produce 10-30% of world's methane. [Fart Trees?]
Wang Usok owes $30 Million back for fraud research on cloning. [He probably should not have claimed that "he himself" was a clone.]
Artist chains legs together in desert, loses key [and gets dumb-ass award]
Don't Spam. They're cracking down. [As if...]
Bone-Shaped Doggie cell phones available. ["Uhh, is that bitch Fido there?"]
Organic Pet Healthfood Available [I'm starting to see a pattern]
Dr. Mike Williams, Chiropractor of the Year-- again.

Satan Spotted in OFallon

2006-01-12T23:24:00.000-06:00

Dave or Satan? We'll probably never know...

A Moment of Silence...

2006-01-12T23:08:00.000-06:00

Just realized that Steph's page is down.
This makes me sad, so I'll sit for a minute
in silence and hope that it will soon be back...

GET YOU BE-OTCH SELF BACK ONLINE, STEPH!!

Tator Grows Up!

2006-01-12T22:37:00.000-06:00

Tator (our little dude inside Paula's belly*) had an important day yesterday. According to The Pregnancy Journal, Tator changed yesterday from an embryo to a fetus.

As my 1st year g. anatomy instructor J.P. Ellis frequently babbled, "Syncytiotrophoblast!"

[On a side note: Rumor has it that J.P. was married twice to students, both of whom received free tuition and then divorced him after graduation. Personally, I'd rather pay the $150,000 tuition but that's just me.]

The earth's smartest man, and God's gift to anatomy never passed his PhD and is still known as plain 'ol J.P.

* No, we don't know if Tator is a girl or boy yet or we'd have a name besides "Tator." Dude was used as an ambisexual reference.

How to tell if I am angry

2006-01-05T10:29:00.000-06:00

In my opinion, people tend to get angry too quickly. Driving down the road with a bird out the window for not using a blinker, locking your significant other out because s/he's late, refusing to vote because you don't like "the system"... To these I say Poppycock.

It takes a whole lot more than that to get me mad.

I use premedidated key words or phrases to show my anger. Here is what you'll hear me yell today if I get angry:

"You greasy whore, I hate you!!"
(male or female)

So there you are. Stay on my good side, fucker.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

2006-01-05T09:08:00.000-06:00

The phenomenal antibiotic cure of pink-eye with the added "Z-pack" side relief for upper respiratory infection has really cleared my head. Oddly, the last few night, my lovely wife has been poking me in the back, waking me, and stating, "Stop Snoring!"

The first couple times it didn't really bother, me but after three nights of constant waking to her "finger in the back" wrath, I'm becoming a little pissed off.

Last night she continued her nuisant gestures and I was debating with myself how bad would it look if I took an elbow to a pregnant ladies skull. (Score one for Tator-- probably kept our marriage alive.)

So I'm lying there about 3 a.m. wide awake thinking, "My head is clear... no congestion... no sore throat... how can I be snoring?!" Suddenly the silence is broken when Paula goes "HCCKQQNNQKT", wakes up, and pokes me in the rib and yells, "QUIT SNORING!"

Ya Gotta Love Andy Rooney!

2006-01-04T15:39:00.000-06:00

You have probably already seen this, but it hits home.

Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black , in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can 't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

Burger King

2005-12-27T13:20:00.000-06:00

I noticed today that BK has a Triple Whopper.

... and I thought the Double would clog just about any plumbing...

My Own Work Excuse

2005-12-26T03:15:00.000-06:00

Patient: Michael Williams
Date: 12/26/2005

WORK EXCUSE

To whom it may concern:

Mike Williams will be unable to work on 12/26/2005 due to the severity of his infectious medical condition.

If you have any questions, please see the attached picture.

Regards,

Michael A. Williams, DC

Family

2005-12-25T07:22:00.000-06:00

Along with my Christmas cheer, my sinus cold has moved to my left eye. You know, the "pink eye" that everyone fears because of the embarrassing goobers that it produces before jumping to the other eye.

Grandpa K. thinks it's a broken blood vessel because my eye is red. He's afraid I'll lose it if I don't go to the emergency room.

My father-in-law Jim thinks it might be my body rejecting my cornia. He's afraid I'll lose my eye if I don't go to the emergency room.

My wife thinks I've got food allergies like they guy in the movie "Hitch." She's afraid I'll not lose my eye, but I'll permanently look freakish.

My mother-in-law just fears that I'll lose my eyes and her grandbaby will have to grow up with a blind dad that will never be able to watch school sports.

My uncle Butch poked me in the eye and told me to quit crying all over. I won his poker money.

... Ya gotta love family!

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-25T06:44:00.000-06:00

I certainly hope everyone is enjoying a Merry Christmas.

Here is a little Christmas cheer:

My lovely wife, My nephew Jack, and my cat Sigma.

Our 'lil Tater

2005-12-16T10:07:00.000-06:00

You should've seen the look on Paula's face when she suddenly realized this ultrasound would require her to take off her jeans...

Blockbuster Quietly Reintroduces Late Fees

2005-12-15T15:31:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Thomas Hawk for sending me this link describing how the Blockbuster franchise has begun going back to late fees. "As if..."

I imagine their logo will continue as, "We can't run our business without late fees, so bend over!"

WHAT'D SHE SAY?!

2005-12-08T22:33:00.000-06:00

Three months ago, I invested in an online dating business and since then have helped a handfull of others get involved.

Last Tuesday, one of the newer people asked to introduce the guest speaker-- usually a three minute job and somewhat safe for a new person in front of the room. You know, "Hi I'm so-in-so and I'm with so-in-so... Thanks for taking time, yada yada.. and I'd like to announce our wonderful speaker that (enter any kudos here) ... could we have a warm hand for Mr. so-in-so.

Pretty simple, eh? 20 people there for a business presentation and our 3-minute introducer starts dropping "F"-bombs all over the place. She bitches and moans about how miserable she is with her husband and something about a lawsuit in her other business... brings up how nervous she is because her "pits sweat" when she gets in front of a group. She blurted that she had to down about 6 rum 'n coke's before the business meeting BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! (As I was breaking into a sweat because she wouldn't shut her yapper, I saw two guests gesturing with the ol' index finger to the throat to "CUT IT OUT!") SHUT TF UP!!

26 minutes later the guest speaker stood up and said, "Well, it's going to be a quick presentation because I only have about 4 minutes... but I'll see what I can do!"

Then, Stephen R. Smith (a billionaire who owns Lajita's Texas-- and just happens to own Ultimate Match, the online dating company) was at the meeting to give us some information on his future ideas. When he started talking, this gal stood up and cut him off!! She wasn't done bitching about this "Hoosier area we live in..."

Christmas Lights

2005-12-03T14:31:00.000-06:00

Today I "docorated" (sorry) the outside of the house for Christmas.

Unfortunately for me, I am afraid of heights. Ask my brother Bill, my wife, or anyone who has seen me "freeze" on the roof like a cat stuck in a tree. My problem is that I live in a two-story house and I *LOVE* to decorate outside for Christmas!

Ever check out at a store and realize you forgot your money, credit, etc? I did that today at Lowe's. I hate it when that happens!

Todays random picture:

Ashlee licking her lips getting ready to suck the life out of her moist, wet microphone...