Friday, December 29, 2006

Inappropriate Gifts

An orthodox Jewish friend of mine invited me (hard to believe, but true!) to his 30th birthday party. I thought it would be funny to bring his a "Happy Birthday Old Man" box of Depends. Ever needed to get away? Being Baptheran (that's Baptist / Lutheran) I didn't realize the 30th Jewish birthday is very serious.

One time I was at a friend's wedding reception and I slipped an "extra" gift onto the gift table. It was a 10 inch dildo --and I put a sticker on it, "Love, Gramma." It was fun watching the expression on their faces when they opened it and placed it aside... I've never told them it wasn't really from their Gramma.

Speaking of Gramma-- I once put a "cigarette load" in my Gramma Schmitz's cigarette. She about died from heart attack, but she quit smoking.

I received a live goat for Christmas two years ago.. thanks to my brother-in-law Bill and my father-in-law, Jim. Paybacks are still coming.

Yesterday I gave my good friend "DJ DAVE" an adulterated gift that I thought was funny. I Photoshopped the DVD cover of Jackass II to "Dave's a goddam Jackass." THEN, after a wonderful lasagna dinner that Emily created they pull out the coolest, most sentimental Christmas gift I've ever seen... and it was for my daughter, Ella. "Uncle Dave" narrated "The Grinch that Stole Christmas" with voice-over, music, and special background effects. "Aunt Em" even voiced the part of little Cindy-Lou. It was so nice both Paula and I had tears. (Yes, I do have tears.) Here's a big THANK YOU, DAVE AND EMILY! Thanks for not only the coolest gift ever, but thanks for making me feel like a gift-schmuck!

That's all I got. Anyone else had an inappropriate gift? Tell us about it!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone is enjoying their Holiday so far.

I know some are probably offended because I used the "Christmas" word. If that's the case, then pretend this message isn't for you and click, "next blog."

My nephew (17 years old) was pushing shopping carts for Shop 'N Save. While on the clock, he got reprimanded for singing Christmas songs in the parking lot in front of customers. Apparently there was a bystanding Jew amongst the group.

I told him he should have just said, "Well I WASN'T singing to you, was I?"

What do you think? Should we get in trouble for singing Christmas songs at work?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

My Caribbean Cruise Summary

Day 1: Left Miami. Everything was GREAT!
Day 2: Still sailing. My shit was brown. My face was smiling.
Day 3: San Juan, Puerto Rico. My shit was brown. Town was old and worn down.
Day 4: St. Maartin. My shit was brown. Scooters and island were awesome!
Day 5: St. Thomas. My shit was oily and yellow. Missed any sign of life for 24 hours. Turned green. Puked all day. My face was sad.
Day 6: Nassau, Bahamas. My shit was a black, tarry sludge. Had a total blast w/cousin Donny because Paula was in cabin with oily, yellow shit. Two guys behind a hut on a beach sold us coconuts with home made alcohol concoction. "All was good, mon!" I learned to dance. My face was numb.
Day 7: Back home. Shit's brown again. Great trip.


Friday, December 08, 2006

Yet another pet peave

The most common question I get whenever I run into someone I haven't seen in awhile: "So, are you still doing that chiropractic thing?"

Let's see:
1. 8+ years of college to get my doctorate
2. $150,000 of school loans
3. $200,000 in equipment
4. 14 years of private practice
5. Income

"Nahh.. I gave it up! I was offered a good job down at the Culver's where I get 10% off any burger platter."

"Nahh.. I decided to sell cars instead because of the great benefits and the outdoorsy atmosphere."

"Nahh.. I didn't get enough school so I enrolled in Rankin Technical Institute to learn HVAC... or truck driving.. or something."


BTW, we're leaving for the Eastern Carribean tomorrow (Dec 10). Paula and I will miss everyone, including your mom.


Friday, December 01, 2006

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it err... ICE!

Paula's Birthday Party:
After too many shots and too little sleep last night ("Thank You" Paula for turning 29!), I was disappointed to see less than 12 inches of snow this morning. In fact, 6 inches would have been a fine excuse not to go to my office this morning-- 5 inches would have justified it, and if there had been 4 inches I could have slept tonight knowing that I did the right thing by staying home.

But Noooo... 3 inches of ice, 3 inches of snow, 3 hours of sleep, 3 coats of cat hair on my tongue, and 3 minutes to get in the shower, rush to the office to see 3 patients.

'The "good" news: My beamer was in the garage-- warm, dry and ice-free. The "bad" news: two cars were parked IN MY DRIVEWAY blocking my ride. Shit.

Ever had the urge to "plow" your car through the 2.5 foot buildup of snow the lovely plow-guy left behind? Me too. In fact, now i remember why we don't do that-- it's called getting stuck.

Fuck off, Dave! I know your Hummer would have man-handled it...
You too, Em! The whole physics thing was too fuzzy from my hangover... It SEEMED like I could make it.

My neighbor that I call, "Stretch-Arm-Strong" was shoveling snow last night when we got in from the bar. At 5:00 a.m. he was re-shoveling his driveway when Ella got me up. At 8:00 a.m. he was stuck blocking the street because his car basically sucks in the snow. I call they guy "stretch-arm-strong" because he's always stretching his legs in his driveway getting ready for the next marathon. It can be 20 below out and he'll be in his way-too-short-shorts doing his pathetic stretch routine. Did I mention he's Russian and overly kind? Yeah, he can't just say hi. "Guud afversternoon, Doktor Vilyums! Deed you readah de news boutah deese new muhdeekle treatment fer deesk pan?" (Yeah, whatever.. shut the fuck up and quit that goddam stretching bullhsit.. THERE IS NO FUCKING MARATHON!!)

Being a dad:
I remember a day when a spilled brew meant changing into a clean shirt. I realized yesterday that since Ella was born things have changed a bit. Before we went out last night Paula asked me if I was going to change my shirt... Seems there was a little puke on the left shoulder that had dribbled down to the backside of my elbow. It actually didn't bother me, but Paula said it stunk so I changed.

Being drunk:
Some people are obnoxious, mean drunks. Not me-- I'm a nice drunk. I let friends win at liar's poker. Also, with beer in hand, I offer to help people that are stuck in the snow while we're out driving. Interesting how polite and helpful I am when I'm drunk-- especially when the State Trooper showed up to see what the problem was! Fortunately, I didn't have puke on my shirt and I had left the bottle in the ca.. I mean bar, yeah-- in the bar.

Blogging Fact:
My most hit page is my archived page of Birdman pissing. (And yes, I'm milking for hits!) Just don't visit the Internet Money Machine because it's GOT to be a scam... how can you really make $13,890 from $50?!